Tag Archives: commitment

Identify Yourself

ID-10099058I have to make an admission!!! For a while in my life I tried to make my identity into something that would be pleasing to others. I tried to identify with the things that would make it easy for me to fit in. If nothing else,Identify I made sure that I didn’t do anything that would make me stand out in a bad way. I believe that our Identities are often tied up in what people and society thinks and the factors that exist because of it. We understand that being identified in the wrong way can be damaging to us and our reputation. Because of this reason, so many people identify with the cultural norms. We will claim we are our own person and that we stand out from the rest, but really we are pretty much like everyone else. We typically go to the same restaurants that everybody else goes to. We want the same type of material possessions that everybody else has. We often shop at the same stores everybody else shops. Likewise, this society can be very hard on people who are different, that’s why most people may think they stand out but they really don’t.

This is so prevalent in relationships nowadays that it is destroying the fabric of that bond. So many people want to be identified as being self-ambitious. We want people to see our drive, our work, our hustle. We want to be recognized and be considered “The MAN” (or “The WOMAN”) when we walk through.

We have to understand that very few people were put on this earth for this reason. But we were all given a purpose and I believe that purpose is tied to at least one other person.   God designed and fashioned us for relationships. In my opinion “self-anything” is an insult to God. Who are you in God’s eyes? Who am I in God’s eyes?!!!! It’s not about who you are, it is about who you touch!!! Relationships are not designed for just attending to all of your self-serving pleasures and delights. But society would tell you different. Society has us bending rules, changing laws, and creating new norms. Relationships are being affected more by what is being watched in our house, then what is being taught in God’s house. We are being influenced more by TV than TD!!! We are identifying with the wrong set of standards.

We were not put here to be alone. He did not put us here to just live for ourselves. YES I KNOW YOU’VE BEEN HURT!!! We have all been hurt by someone and if we keep living we will be hurt or disappointed by someone else in the future. REMEMBER: It may not have been your choice to have gotten hurt; but it is totally your choice to stay hurt!!!! I believe everybody has somebody that will love them!! The question is will you allow that person to love you? Could it be that your self-Identity is getting in the way?

We have too many people that are so self-aware of how beautiful they are on the outside. They are so self-aware of how appealing their bodies are. They are so self-aware of how much money they make. They are so self-aware of their status at their job, but those things only really matter on a societal level.

(Philippians 2:3-4)“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”

If we identified ourselves with the Bible verse above, I truly believe we would have better and stronger relationships and we would attract better relationships in the future.

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Believe and don’t doubt

ID-10092697I believe we all grew up feeling we knew almost exactly what age we were going to get married. We also believed that we knew how our mate would look, where we would live, and how many kids we would have. For some of us, what we expected came true for the most part, but for many others this was just wishful thinking. Furthermore there are large number of people that are still wait and wishing for there soul mate and all of the amenities that goes with them. In my last blog I talked about giving thanks even when faced with a failed relationship, so what would be the next step after giving thanks? I my opinion it would be to believe and don’t doubt!!!

We all know that a failed union leaves you feeling some type of way no matter how it ended. This can often become the breeding ground for doubt and mistrust in finding someone that you can have a life long partnership with. If yet again we are looking at another relationship ending then we start to question if it will ever happen. Are we in a vicious cycle that keeps repeating itself with the different people we enter into a relationship with? The lies, the games, the cheating, the fronting, when will it end? I believe it ends when you say it ends!!!! I know you are saying to yourself “well I want it to end now!!!” But the question is “can you believe that it will end now without any doubt in your mind”? I mean it is easy to say that it will end now, but what happens when you see what appeared to be a wonderful union now heading for divorce? What goes through your mind the next time you meet someone new? Will you have doubt that it will work out? Will you question your readiness or their readiness to have a healthy, harmonious, and lasting relationship?

You have to understand that doubt makes you unstable and double-minded. It causes confusion, misinterpretation, misunderstanding, and allows negative thoughts and actions fester and take shape. The following Bible verse gets right to the point of what doubt does to us.

(James 1:6-8)
But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.
One of the biggest reasons that doubt creeps into our mind is because we are oftentimes surrounded by negative images, messages, and people that are feeding our doubt and fears. We will exclaim that we know what we want to happen in our relationship lives, but we often lose our focus when we are faced with counter opposing views and situations. It is extremely hard to stay positive in room full of negative people, especially when we have just gone through a bad experience. Doubting is easy to do, but having faith and believing in something we have yet to see is hard. However this is what we must do, so we have to stay away from negativity of all shapes and forms.

Another step we must take is to fuel our belief by taking to right actions. It is not enough to have belief; we also must put in the work to show that we are serious in our walk. Focusing your mind intently on the relationship you desire without wavering and doing the acts that show you are serious are two major steps in achieving your goal.

Remember: All it takes is one negative person, story, or image to cause thoughts of doubt. You must be ready to dismiss and destroy each negative thought with your strong and unwavering belief!!!!

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Get “Ripped”

black_love_lostSo, what is the first thing that comes to mind when we hear the phrase “get ripped”. Well for anybody that exercises or has tried to get in shape, you have heard this phrase quite a few times. For those that do not know what this term means I will break it down for you. Getting “ripped” is the process of exercising to a point that the cuts and symmetry of a person’s muscles are visible to the naked eye. The dictionary defines this term as “Having an extremely defined physique; toned: ripped, bulging muscles”.

Now I know we have all seen someone that was” Ripped”. Maybe you are currently in that state physically or were when you were younger. But the question that I have for you is, what does it mean to “get ripped” relationship wise? What steps would need to be taken to achieve this goal?

1. We all know that you can’t achieve any goal without knowing exactly what your goal is, and what it will look like when you accomplish it. In bodybuilding, there are many photos in magazines and on the internet of toned and fit men and women. But what does a toned and fit relationship look like? This must be the first goal because seeing what that looks like and knowing what it takes to attain this lets us know what we have to work toward. You must formulate a clear and defined picture of that healthy and loving relationship that you aspire to have. Most people find working out with a partner helps them to stay motivated and focus. Therefore I also believe it is a great idea relationship wise to have someone around to “work out” with. Someone that is in the type of relationship you want to have or that desires the same type of relationship you desire. This person can be very positive for you mentally and emotionally. Thus helping you to stay the course when you may get discouraged or when you run into negative people and influences.

2. Now it is time to work!!! The question is how much time and effort are we willing to put into get “relationship ripped”? Most people that exercise and has incorporated it into their daily routine, will work out at least 2-4 times a week or more. It is true that you only get out of something what you put into it. So if you want the relationship results you desire, you must spend time “exercising” your relationship muscles. Make the time in your daily or weekly routine to do stuff that will improve your chances of meeting, dating, and keeping someone special in your life. Use this time to work on known weaknesses and seek honest advice about areas where you can make improvements.

3. Anybody that exercises will tell you that your dietary habits may be even more important than how much you exercise. Your diet can literally kill any chance of you seeing the results you want to accomplish. The same can be said about your relationship diet!!! In relationship diet I am speaking of the things that you put in your body through your eyes and ears that pertain to relationships. Are the images and programming your watching showing you a positive relationship picture? Are the conversations you are having and music you are listening to speak of relationships in a loving and positive manner? If they are not, then you must change your diet to ingest information that will help your “relationship” body get toned, cut, and “ripped”. Now that you have the game plan, it now time to get “RELATIONSHIP RIPPED”!!!!!

Remember: You are what you eat!!! So go read my previous blog titled “you are what you eat”  

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Part 4: What does the Bible say about Relationships?

cropped-thL.jpgIn the last installment of this series I am going to end by putting emphases on Love and what God wants us to be for each other, and to each other in relationships. I leave you with these four passages from the Bible. Two are fairly long but I believe will be well worth reading.

Proverbs 31: 10-31

The Wife of Noble Character

10 [b]A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
11 Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
12 She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.
13 She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.
14 She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.
15 She gets up while it is still night;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her female servants.
16 She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
17 She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.
18 She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.
19 In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
20 She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.
21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
22 She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
23 Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
24 She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.
25 She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
26 She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
27 She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
29 “Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all.”
30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
31 Honor her for all that her hands have done,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

 

Proverbs 5: 1-23

Warning Against Adultery

5 My son, be attentive to my wisdom;
incline your ear to my understanding,
that you may keep discretion,
and your lips may guard knowledge.
For the lips of a forbidden[a] woman drip honey,
and her speech[b] is smoother than oil,
but in the end she is bitter as wormwood,
sharp as a two-edged sword.
Her feet go down to death;
her steps follow the path to[c] Sheol;
she does not ponder the path of life;
her ways wander, and she does not know it.

And now, O sons, listen to me,
and do not depart from the words of my mouth.
Keep your way far from her,
and do not go near the door of her house,
lest you give your honor to others
and your years to the merciless,
10 lest strangers take their fill of your strength,
and your labors go to the house of a foreigner,
11 and at the end of your life you groan,
when your flesh and body are consumed,
12 and you say, “How I hated discipline,
and my heart despised reproof!
13 I did not listen to the voice of my teachers
or incline my ear to my instructors.
14 I am at the brink of utter ruin
in the assembled congregation.”

15 Drink water from your own cistern,
flowing water from your own well.
16 Should your springs be scattered abroad,
streams of water in the streets?
17 Let them be for yourself alone,
and not for strangers with you.
18 Let your fountain be blessed,
and rejoice in the wife of your youth,
19     a lovely deer, a graceful doe.
Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight;
be intoxicated[d] always in her love.
20 Why should you be intoxicated, my son, with a forbidden woman
and embrace the bosom of an adulteress?[e]
21 For a man’s ways are before the eyes of the Lord,
and he ponders[f] all his paths.
22 The iniquities of the wicked ensnare him,
and he is held fast in the cords of his sin.
23 He dies for lack of discipline,
and because of his great folly he is led astray.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. 10 For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! 11 Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? 12 And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.

Oftentimes people claim to be in love with someone, or that someone is in love with them. This verse clearly defines with love is, and also what love is not!!! Please take a moment and measure your love, or someone’s love for you against these wonderful words of wisdom.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

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Part 3: What does the Bible say about relationships

ID-10092768Just as I stated in the last blog, Part 3 is dedicated to the men (sorry guys). These verses will explore how men should conduct themselves and what the Bible says when they don’t conduct themselves accordingly.

Ephesians 5:25-27 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.

It goes without saying that if a man loved his wife like Christ loved the church, then relationships and marriages would be much stronger and healthier. For men, this should be the type of love we should strive for and seek to bring to our relationships.

Psalm 1:1-3 Blessed is the man
who walks not in the counsel of the wicked,
nor stands in the way of sinners,
nor sits in the seat of scoffers;
2 but his delight is in the law of the LORD,
and on his law he meditates day and night.
3 He is like a tree
planted by streams of water
that yields its fruit in its season,
and its leaf does not wither.
In all that he does, he prospers.

This verse clearly states that a man that is led by and focused on God’s word is a strong, blessed, prosperous man!!! Gaining his strength from God, not the world, allows him to remain steadfast on the right path. This will really benefit him in his relationship with a significant other; because he will be led away from bringing harm and shame to their union. For men that don’t put God first or don’t lead lives that steer them away from evil, temptation, and wrongdoing; the Bible talks about what can be the consequences, and how it can touch the people around them.

James 4: 1-4 What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? 2 You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. 3 You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions. 4 You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God.

Wow!!! That really firmly illustrates the plight of us men that fall into the ways of the World. This next verse further explains the conduct and character traits of such men.

2 Timothy 3: 1-9 But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. 2 For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3 heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, 4 treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, 5 having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people. 6 For among them are those who creep into households and capture weak women, burdened with sins and led astray by various passions, 7 always learning and never able to arrive at a knowledge of the truth. 8 Just as Jannes and Jambres opposed Moses, so these men also oppose the truth, men corrupted in mind and disqualified regarding the faith. 9 But they will not get very far, for their folly will be plain to all, as was that of those two men.

It is so much that can be said as to what men can do to improve or change their lives. First and foremost, seek and form a strong relationship with God!!! Second, I feel the following verse would be a fitting way for men to conduct themselves in any and every relationship.

Matthew 7:12 So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.

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A woman responds to “My advice after 16 years of marriage”

love-2I’m a woman, divorced after 7 years of marriage. I read your post and appreciate the heart behind the advice. The fact that you recognize the part you played in the scheme of things is a feat in itself. Being able to face the past with openness and humility is admirable and not something many can, or even want, to accomplish.

Given my experience, there are some key concepts I learned in my journey as well. We women have equal responsibility in making a marriage work. For all the points mentioned for husbands, there are perhaps also some for wives I would like to share.

1. Always seek out the best in him. Dwell on those things, not what you don’t like about him.

2. Have sex with him. Often!!! All the time if need be.

3. Seek counsel from older, wiser women who have succeeded in their marriages. It’s impossible to make good decisions when we’re emotional. And seeking counsel from your friends who are your own age isn’t as good as counsel from elderly women.

4. Let him zone out. He is not ignoring you; men just have moments of brain freeze.

5. It is not your job to change or fix him. We are all on a journey.

6. Tell him how big/strong/smart/manly he is ALL THE TIME. They tend to forget.

7. Never forget or take for granted that your man chose you.

8. Laugh at his jokes. Even if they aren’t funny.

9. We are responsible for our reactions, no one else. We must take full accountability of our emotions and how we respond. And so must he.

10. Make him that goddam sandwich.

11. Allow your man to just be. Be a comfort, gentle, and giving spirit when the times call for it.

12. Quit your bitching when he gets home, let him chill.

13. Love him in the way he needs it, not the way you assume he needs it. Find out your different love languages and be sensitive and ready to show him you love him in ways he understands best.

14. Make yourself look pretty. The more feminine you act the more it reminds him he is a man.

15. Be present. Give him your time and attention when he needs it. In my experience, during those times I did serve him, he over time, served me.

16. Never talk about other men, even if they are fictional or movie, even if it’s to say “you are so much hotter than that guy” Most men already think they are, so this will confuse them.

17. Be willing to have him sexually. Let him know you need his masculine presence, that you trust him fully.

18. Never read advice on the internet from strangers. They probably don’t know you and will make you do stupid crap that will not be applicable or appropriate in your marriage… except for singleblackdatingtips.com (I couldn’t resist!!!)

19. Give him space. He needs times to find his new self (we change constantly) before he can give of himself.

20. By doing these things it would not mean a wife doesn’t expect her husband to be great too, or is to blame for the breakdown, just that she is doing her part to make a better half of a marriage.

21. Be vulnerable. Do not be afraid to share your fears and feelings. Men tend to know when we’re keeping things from them. And they know when we’re transparent. And, I can’t emphasize this more: acknowledge your mistakes. Say you’re sorry when you know you need to.

22. Allow your husband to love you his way instead of comparing his expression of love to your own ideals. If you keep comparing, you may miss the most beautiful moments of tenderness.

23. Do not be afraid to be fully transparent. This builds great trust over time.

24. Don’t ever, ever, ever put your spouse down in public! He has to have someone that he knows will have his back. If you need to discuss something he did or said, do it in private. No one wants corrected in front of others. Once discussed and fixed, let it go!

25. Find common hobbies, goals and dreams. Also, find common ground in your faith. Never stop growing together. Laugh lots. Fall in love over and over again.

26. Many times, we cannot connect or reconnect because we have created a version of them in our mind and hearts that justifies our own weakness. As long as we see them as the caricature we’ve created we cannot connect to them, because that caricature is not them. Own your feelings, own your results, meet your own needs, turn to a higher power for what you lack, and allow your higher power to make up for what pain your spouse will cause. Even the best human among us will cause another pain, its part of being human.

27. Don’t let financial issues come between you.

28. Acknowledge and embrace each others pasts, it made you who you are. Speak up, talk about “it” when it happens instead of fighting about it a month later.

29. Forgive. Don’t let history hold you or your man hostage.

30. Never underestimate the power of simply touching each other. Sometimes it can say what words can not.

31. Always, choose love. Love is action, not emotion. Don’t miss that.

Make sure to add your own thoughts in the comments section. We will moderate so that each comment is original and contributive. 

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My advice after 16 years of marriage

As you know, the last few post have been about men and some of the issues that plague us. Although my post are original content that I write based on my opinion, I was moved by this piece that I had examined. It was written by Gerald Rogers and it has, in my opinion, some great advice that should be shared with the men in your life. So please enjoy and share what I believe can help cultivate, improve and save our relationships.

 

My advice after a divorce following 16 years of marriage, by Gerald Rogers.

ththalexcuteblkwhitepicsObviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s something about my divorce being finalized this week that gives me perspective of things I wish I would have done different… After losing a woman that I loved, and a marriage of almost 16 years, here’s the advice I wish I would have had

1. Never stop courting. Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love.

2. Protect your own heart. Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.

3. Fall in love over and over again. You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her.

4. Always see the best in her. Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to be have this woman as your wife.

5. It’s not your job to change or fix her… your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.

6. Take full accountability for your own emotions: It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.

7. Never blame your wife if you get frustrated or angry at her, it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your responsibility. When you feel those feelings take time to get present and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed. You were attracted to this woman because she was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them… when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever were.

8. Allow your woman to just be. When she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know it’s ok. Let her know that you hear her, and that she’s important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean. The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to you… DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.

9. Be silly… don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.

10. Fill her soul everyday… learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to make her feel like a queen.

11. Be present. Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is.

12. Be willing to take her sexually, to carry her away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.

13. Don’t be an idiot…. And don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.

14. Give her space… The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself. Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will come back with new songs to sing…. (okay, getting a little too poetic here, but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get re-centered, and to find herself after she gets lost in serving you, the kids and the world.)

15. Be vulnerable… you don’t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.

16. Be fully transparent. If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING… Especially those things you don’t want to share. It takes courage to fully love, to fully open your heart and let her in when you don’t know i she will like what she finds… Part of that courage is allowing her to love you completely, your darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK… If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her, and show up perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.

17. Never stop growing together… The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.

18. Don’t worry about money. Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win.

19. Forgive immediately and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back. FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.

20. Always choose love. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.

In the end marriage isn’t about happily ever after. It’s about work. And a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity. Through that work, the happiness will come. Marriage is life, and it will bring ups and downs. Embracing all of the cycles and learning to learn from and love each experience will bring the strength and perspective to keep building, one brick at a time. These are lessons I learned the hard way. These are lessons I learned too late. But these are lessons I am learning and committed in carrying forward. Truth is, I loved being married, and in time, I will get married again, and when I do, I will build it with a foundation that will endure any storm and any amount of time. If you are reading this and find wisdom in my pain, share it those those young husbands whose hearts are still full of hope, and with those couples you may know who may have forgotten how to love. One of those men may be like I was, and in these hard earned lessons perhaps something will awaken in him and he will learn to be the man his lady has been waiting for. MEN- THIS IS YOUR CHARGE: Commit to being an EPIC LOVER. There is no greater challenge, and no greater prize. Your woman deserves that from. Be the type of husband your wife can’t help but brag about.

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Why do Men run away from good Women?

FathersLove-JANICEHUSEThere are so many reasons for men running away from women that are good to them. Therefore I cannot possibly talk about every motive in this blog, but I would like to address something that I feel may contribute to this phenomenon.  We often times want to point to the last person he was involved with in a relationship as the problem. Maybe even the women he dated long ago or a failed marriage. All these factors can, and possibly do play a part in his inability to stay committed and devoted to a good, loyal, and loving woman.  But I just want to talk about a subject that could also help contribute to this issue. I propose that some issues may have occurred, and have not been corrected, from experiences he underwent during his childhood and adolescent years.

He may have, in some instances, seen his parents act inappropriately in the marriage. This could delineate anything from witnessing violent arguments, to having an adulterous affair come to light. This can result in the feeling of “if my parents cannot get it right, then how would I be able to get it right”.

He may have seen his single mom date several different guys (and sleep with many of them) but they do not stay together. By the time he begins to like them and grow attached to them, they are gone. This can lead to trust issues like “will the person I care about stay around or leave me”.

He may have tried young love and gotten his heart broken. This can consequently be followed by receiving bad advice on dealing with the pain of a broken heart. Unwise friends and family members may make reprehensible and improper remarks like, “you should never trust or love them “hoes”.

Clearly for a young boy, the relationship with his mom is a special bond. He will often try to protect her, especially after he has seen her get hurt by somebody. So just imagine how he is feeling to see her go through a failed situation with a man. He will often times hurt in silence because he needs and relies on her for sustenance and guidance. Even though he may be told “it is none of your business” or I’m grown and you’re not”, it still hurts and it is still affecting him in a negative way. He also will rely, and look up to, his Dad for strength, guidance, and understanding. But if his Dad is not present, or is a bad example for him, he may miss having that strong male figure to direct his path.

The problem is when a man experiences certain issues as a child; these issues can take hold and become rooted in the child’s mind. These thoughts can then develop and grow over the years without anyone knowing, because the child is holding it in. Later in life these thoughts and emotions can come to the surface and manifest itself in a number of harmful and destructive ways. The results could be anything from jealousy, infidelity, abuse (verbal and\or physical), possessiveness, and distrust just to name a few.

This is why it is so important for women to desire a man that understands and addresses issues from his past. If you are with a man that always says “I don’t know”, “I don’t understand why”, or cannot explain why he does things that hurt you, then that is not a good sign. In order to correct any problem, you have to know and understand what the problem is and what is causing it. If he does not know or cannot explain why he does what he does, how can he ever fix it!!!!

Food for thought:  it’s harder to make mistakes when the examples that you see before you are doing it the right way.

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Do men fear love?

Copyofth_love-heartThis is a question that has been asked by many women on many different occasions. Do men fear love? Are men afraid of getting their feelings hurt? Would a man be afraid to love a woman more than she loves him? The answers to these questions are a resounding YES!! Men are no different from woman in many ways. But one place where men are very different from women is when it comes to sharing their feelings. Any woman knows that it can be easier to rob Fort Knox, than to get some men to open up and share their feelings. Even if some women are open and free with expressing the desires of their heart; those feelings and actions are not often forthcoming from a man. I know some men may be mad at me for this, but I would like to share a few reasons why I think some (not all) men have this issue.

cropped-thL.jpgOne thing I do know is that if a man has been hurt badly by a failed relationship, he often protects himself from having that experience again. For some men it could have happened early in life from a childhood crush. If he really liked the girl and she rejected him repeatedly, he may not want to fully expose his true feelings in the future. It could have come from a high school or college girlfriend. Maybe even a relationship from his early adulthood with someone he thought he could spend the rest of his life with. At whatever point he has this experience it could be very hard for him to overcome.

Another reason could be that the man was in a relationship with a lady that was unfaithful to him. This is a little different from just a failed relationship because this can leave some men feeling somewhat inadequate. What did I do to cause her to do this? What did I NOT do to cause her to do this? Why did I not see this coming? These are all questions that a man will ask himself if he was in this position. But the biggest thing some men will do when faced with this incident is to say, “How can I make sure this does not happen again to me”?

This result can lead to another big question. Can he completely love just one woman? The answer is YES he can!!! But here is the problem!!! When a man has been hurt, there are usually two ways most men choose to protect themselves’ from being hurt again. 1. Either he will safeguard his feelings, thus disallowing them to reach a deep and meaningful level. 2. Have something else going on that will obstruct his feelings from achieving a significant juncture with any one person.

Therefore, if this person is not strong enough to fight off certain thoughts and feelings, he can become vulnerable and open to participate in activities that can damage or even destroy a relationship. Even if the actions were not intended to hurt others, the outcome could be a bitter pill to swallow for anyone that is directly or even indirectly involved. This can be the damaging results of a man shielding his heart for fear of letting someone get into it. Now there are plenty of good men out here that are fighting to be upstanding representatives of how a good man should carry himself. We also know that nobody is perfect or without fault. But fear, hurt, and pain are real, and it takes time and understanding to conquer these emotions. The best advice I can give is that which comes from the Good Book. Love is Patient, Love is Kind!!!!

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Change your focus

loveicons4So you are having problems finding a good person to be in a relationship with? Maybe you are in a relationship or marriage but you are not truly happy with it? The question is what are you focusing on when it comes to the relationship? For example, if all I talk about is how broke I am and I can never catch a break; then of course I will continue to get more of the same, which is staying broke. Now also think about this. Not only will I continue to be broke but people who have some money will not want to be around you!! They will almost hate to see me coming!! And if they are around me and I start talking about how broke I am then they may get up and leave!!! Why? Because what I am saying and the energy I am giving is turning people off. Listen!! The only people who want to sit around and hear somebody talk about being broke are other people who are broke!!!! If being broke is what that person is focused on then that is what they will attract to their life and talk about.

Now take everything you just read and look at it in terms of someone focusing on the negative aspects of a relationship or marriage. If you are focused on all the bad things about the person you are with then of course you will continue to get bad things from them. But not only will you continue to get bad stuff from them, but they will soon not want to be around you and spend time with you. They may start feeling like they almost hate to see you coming!!! And if they are around you, and you start talking negative about them or the relationship, they may get up and leave!!! Why? Because what you are saying and the energy you are giving is turning them off. It does nothing but make matters worse than what they already are. And here is the worst part about this!!!! The only people who want to sit around and hear you talk about a person or your relationship in a negative way are other people who are negative!!!! Now I know that you do not want to find yourself in the company of a bunch of negative thinking people do you? But if by chance you are then I do not have to tell you why your relationships or marriage is not working out right.

So what can you do to counteract this problem? Change your focus!!! Listen!! Everybody has bad things about them as well as good things. Just as you focus on the bad things and thus get more bad things; that same outcome can and will happen if you turn your attention on focusing on the good things!!! More good things will surely come!!! The bigger picture is that you always look at the relationship or marriage from a positive focal point. The problem is not that someone is talking about being broke, because we have all been low on funds before, it is the constant focus (thoughts, conversation, etc) on the condition that will attract all the negative results. Thinking and talking positive about the person you are with and the relationship you are in will bring you more positive results than the ones you are currently receiving. I am sure of it!! I truly believe that is what you want and it is definitely what I want for you.

Remember: The more negative your conversation is about relationships, the more you are repelling good mates from you and attracting bad mates to you!!!!

 

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