Tag Archives: desire

Why do Men run away from good Women?

FathersLove-JANICEHUSEThere are so many reasons for men running away from women that are good to them. Therefore I cannot possibly talk about every motive in this blog, but I would like to address something that I feel may contribute to this phenomenon.  We often times want to point to the last person he was involved with in a relationship as the problem. Maybe even the women he dated long ago or a failed marriage. All these factors can, and possibly do play a part in his inability to stay committed and devoted to a good, loyal, and loving woman.  But I just want to talk about a subject that could also help contribute to this issue. I propose that some issues may have occurred, and have not been corrected, from experiences he underwent during his childhood and adolescent years.

He may have, in some instances, seen his parents act inappropriately in the marriage. This could delineate anything from witnessing violent arguments, to having an adulterous affair come to light. This can result in the feeling of “if my parents cannot get it right, then how would I be able to get it right”.

He may have seen his single mom date several different guys (and sleep with many of them) but they do not stay together. By the time he begins to like them and grow attached to them, they are gone. This can lead to trust issues like “will the person I care about stay around or leave me”.

He may have tried young love and gotten his heart broken. This can consequently be followed by receiving bad advice on dealing with the pain of a broken heart. Unwise friends and family members may make reprehensible and improper remarks like, “you should never trust or love them “hoes”.

Clearly for a young boy, the relationship with his mom is a special bond. He will often try to protect her, especially after he has seen her get hurt by somebody. So just imagine how he is feeling to see her go through a failed situation with a man. He will often times hurt in silence because he needs and relies on her for sustenance and guidance. Even though he may be told “it is none of your business” or I’m grown and you’re not”, it still hurts and it is still affecting him in a negative way. He also will rely, and look up to, his Dad for strength, guidance, and understanding. But if his Dad is not present, or is a bad example for him, he may miss having that strong male figure to direct his path.

The problem is when a man experiences certain issues as a child; these issues can take hold and become rooted in the child’s mind. These thoughts can then develop and grow over the years without anyone knowing, because the child is holding it in. Later in life these thoughts and emotions can come to the surface and manifest itself in a number of harmful and destructive ways. The results could be anything from jealousy, infidelity, abuse (verbal and\or physical), possessiveness, and distrust just to name a few.

This is why it is so important for women to desire a man that understands and addresses issues from his past. If you are with a man that always says “I don’t know”, “I don’t understand why”, or cannot explain why he does things that hurt you, then that is not a good sign. In order to correct any problem, you have to know and understand what the problem is and what is causing it. If he does not know or cannot explain why he does what he does, how can he ever fix it!!!!

Food for thought:  it’s harder to make mistakes when the examples that you see before you are doing it the right way.

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Do men fear love?

Copyofth_love-heartThis is a question that has been asked by many women on many different occasions. Do men fear love? Are men afraid of getting their feelings hurt? Would a man be afraid to love a woman more than she loves him? The answers to these questions are a resounding YES!! Men are no different from woman in many ways. But one place where men are very different from women is when it comes to sharing their feelings. Any woman knows that it can be easier to rob Fort Knox, than to get some men to open up and share their feelings. Even if some women are open and free with expressing the desires of their heart; those feelings and actions are not often forthcoming from a man. I know some men may be mad at me for this, but I would like to share a few reasons why I think some (not all) men have this issue.

cropped-thL.jpgOne thing I do know is that if a man has been hurt badly by a failed relationship, he often protects himself from having that experience again. For some men it could have happened early in life from a childhood crush. If he really liked the girl and she rejected him repeatedly, he may not want to fully expose his true feelings in the future. It could have come from a high school or college girlfriend. Maybe even a relationship from his early adulthood with someone he thought he could spend the rest of his life with. At whatever point he has this experience it could be very hard for him to overcome.

Another reason could be that the man was in a relationship with a lady that was unfaithful to him. This is a little different from just a failed relationship because this can leave some men feeling somewhat inadequate. What did I do to cause her to do this? What did I NOT do to cause her to do this? Why did I not see this coming? These are all questions that a man will ask himself if he was in this position. But the biggest thing some men will do when faced with this incident is to say, “How can I make sure this does not happen again to me”?

This result can lead to another big question. Can he completely love just one woman? The answer is YES he can!!! But here is the problem!!! When a man has been hurt, there are usually two ways most men choose to protect themselves’ from being hurt again. 1. Either he will safeguard his feelings, thus disallowing them to reach a deep and meaningful level. 2. Have something else going on that will obstruct his feelings from achieving a significant juncture with any one person.

Therefore, if this person is not strong enough to fight off certain thoughts and feelings, he can become vulnerable and open to participate in activities that can damage or even destroy a relationship. Even if the actions were not intended to hurt others, the outcome could be a bitter pill to swallow for anyone that is directly or even indirectly involved. This can be the damaging results of a man shielding his heart for fear of letting someone get into it. Now there are plenty of good men out here that are fighting to be upstanding representatives of how a good man should carry himself. We also know that nobody is perfect or without fault. But fear, hurt, and pain are real, and it takes time and understanding to conquer these emotions. The best advice I can give is that which comes from the Good Book. Love is Patient, Love is Kind!!!!

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Quality vs Quantity

loving coupleI had the pleasure to engage in an interesting discussion about relationships with a wonderful and intriguing woman recently. While having this discussion I could not help but notice how often she would bring up her current age. She was not using it as a deterrent to her future desires for successful opportunities for marital bliss. It was more of a reference point to the remainder of time left to invest in loving someone, counter to the time remaining for someone who is years younger. Having just had a birthday, of course, was one of the main reasons for the repetition of age and her theoretical mind state. But I reminded her that it is not about how many years you get to spend with your significant other, but it’s about the quality and the value of the time you spend with them.

Of course it would be ideal to marry at a young age and live to be old and gray together after raising a house full of kids. Then see them off on their life’s journey and retire together in a beach community where it is sunny year round. But for some of us several years have passed, and the beginning chapters of our marital book will not be written as such. This however, does not mean that the middle and ending chapters cannot be filled with unspeakable marital bliss and happiness. This should be the focus of the approach and mindset of our thinking!!!! Therefore, it is not the quantity of years that you can spend with your mate, but the quality of those years that you have left.

We first have to understand that just because a couple has put a lot of years into their marriage, does not mean that it was all one big happy ride. Many couples have struggled for many years and battled through many wars to achieve a happy marital status. While sadly, others are in marriages they are unhappy with, and are participating in unconventional and sometimes reprehensible behavior to try to find the happiness they crave. Having matured and hopefully grown wiser over the years can help to serve us that have not yet found that special someone. Helping us, hopefully, to avoid the pitfalls and direct our energy to the most important aspects of attaining a happy state of love and marriage with our mate.

So even though you may not have been there for the first chapters of your significant others life, what is most important are the chapters that remain to be written. The question is, “what do you desire them to say”? Take the time, energy, and effort to make sure the chapters that remain are the most fun, adventurous, and fulfilling chapters of that person’s life and your life. Enjoy every embrace, every kiss, every conversation, and every look you give one another. This is what makes the quality of time you spend worth so much more. It’s not always about how much time you spend, but how you spend it. Therefore, when it is spent with the right person in the right way, it is worth more than all the time in the world. It will make time stand still. It will make your soul dance in joy!!! As the wonderful woman I had the pleasure to talk with told me, “Don’t try to find someone to live with, find someone who you cannot live without!!! Now that is Quality!!!!

Remember: Make the rest of your life, the best of your life!!!

 

 

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What Ever Happened to…..

Mom and DadI believe that most people envision having a lifestyle that is full of adventure, opulence, and blissfulness. Both men and women dream of having the Good Life. Having all of the amenities that anyone could want at our fingertips and an abundance of financial resources at our disposal. I have talked to many women about this subject and most have divulged that they would love to meet a man doing well in his career. So well in fact, that they would not have to work and could still have all of the luxuries they so desire without any budgetary restraints. Most did not attach a dollar figure to this admission, but it is safe to say that it exceeds far beyond the median income of most men in the workforce today. So, “I’m not saying that these ladies are Gold diggers,” but I believe that you know the rest of the verse. Now before you get mad and stop reading this, let me say that there is nothing wrong with wanting to have a man who can take care of you and provide your every wish. It just leads me to ask the question, “what ever happened to building something together?”

I know this may be a novel idea for some, but not too long ago this was the normal process to accomplish your life-long goals. Two individuals would come together with a common goal of loving each other, starting a family, and building the life they always dreamed of. They would both work to help each other realize career goals, making whatever sacrifices were necessary to accomplish them. In so far as we would all like to find the perfect mate with everything we desired wrapped up in a neat bow, the possibility of that is not favorable. This means we will have to work with our mate to achieve the balance of life and love that we crave. To help with my observation I wanted to bring forth the following points.

1. Two heads are better than one – I believe no matter how smart, strong, independent, resourceful, or confidant you are, having a special mate beside you helping out will only make you better. As the saying goes, “behind every good man, there is a good woman”. I also believe that if a good woman has a good man, he would be a strong support for her as well. Just imagine how powerful you could make each other when you both merge resources, talents, skills, ideas, and yes income!!!!

2. The feeling of knowing you helped build it – There are many men that have had the great fortune to have built a handsome ransom in life. In as much as it would be a privilege to be bequeath to partake in his lavishness; would it not be of greater sentiment to have been instrumental in constructing the prosperous environs in which you indulge? I believe there are few feelings that make you prouder than knowing you help build something special and noteworthy.

3. Attainment not Entitlement – This is the difference between feeling that you are owed something because of development and refinement (Attainment); rather than feeling you are owed something because of status, appearance, etc.(Entitlement). I believe relationship preparation and execution is different from everything else in your life. Therefore the work and study needed to accomplish your relationship goals of achieving proper refinement, is often the true catalyst that leaves your mate captivated and wanting more.

Listen!!! Anyone can show up to the contest, and their sheer presence alone can win them a prize. But the person that shows up learned, developed, and focused is going to win the ring!!!

Remember: The innermost gifts that you give to someone will far outlast, and should far outweigh, the outermost gifts.

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The Power of Purpose

BLACK_QUEEN_A lot has been said about the power of purpose. It has been the topic of many great speeches and has also produced one of the most talked about books in decades called “The Purpose Driven Life”. I believe there is plenty to be said about purpose and how it can determine how far you go, and what you receive in your life. Likewise, I think that if you do not have a purpose for the things you do in life, you are essentially limiting the richness and value that you can obtain. This leads me to ask the question “what is the purpose behind your dating and relationship life?”

Now most people will look at this question and say, “to be happy” or “to have someone to share my life with.” As these are all good answers, I would like to go beyond the superficial and help you probe at my question from another angle. We all know that the quest of any relationship is to be happy and share your happiness with the person you are with. This then begs the question, “what is happiness in a committed relationship to you, and how is that achieved”? Is happiness achieved when the person you are seeing is giving you gifts?  Is happiness achieved when the person you are seeing is taking you out to dinner? Is happiness achieved when the person you are seeing pays you compliments? Is happiness achieved when the person you are seeing massages your shoulders? Ok, I know, all of the above gives you happiness!!! But the bigger question is what do you like most? Now please do not fool yourself into thinking that the things I listed above, you desire equally!!!!! You would only be fooling yourself, not anyone else!!!! Think deeply about this because this is very important.

Listen!! Just as you are not living your life aimlessly without objectives and goals you are trying to accomplish; you also should not be dating aimlessly without a purpose. I say this because everybody has a purpose for the things they do. It is something very specific that we hope to achieve when we set out to do something; and the same goes for dating and relationships. Just as there are things that you definitely do not want out of a relationship, there are things that you definitely DO want out of a relationship!!!

Furthermore, the purpose you have for your relationship must be in line with what your mate is capable and willing to fulfill. If you desire that your mate wine and dine you, then they must be both capable and willing to provide that for you. There are many people who are capable but not willing, as there are many who are willing but not capable. Make it your goal to be with someone who will provide both for you!!! Here are three conditions that you should consider for dating “on purpose.”

1. Be honest and true to yourself and find out what is the real “purpose” behind your desires for dating and relationships.

2. Make that purpose your primary reason for dating, and you will be in a better position to attract a mate that will fulfill your longings.

3. Be open and honest to your mate about your purpose for dating and relationships. This will save you and your mate time and heartache.  Ultimately, your overall purpose for being with someone is going to determine whether you obtain, or not obtain, what you desire.

Remember: Nothing happens by accident; everything happens ON PURPOSE.

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Stop the Insanity

africanamerican2It has been said that the definition of insanity is “doing the same thing over and over but expecting a different result”. So why is it that so many people persist to keep dating the same kind of people but expect a different outcome? First of all you have to realize that you are dating the type of people who are attracted to you!!! Yes there are things about you that draw them to you and these things may be good or bad depending on your own overall self-image and characteristics. This is the reason that the feelings and thoughts grow stronger with each conversation and face-to-face interaction. You are picking up on each other’s common interests; common likes and dislikes; common desires and goals. It is the same reason you will find yourself so uncomfortable around someone who doesn’t think about and see things in the same light as you. The comfort level is not the same; therefore you are not attracted to this person even though they may be a great person. Now finding things in common is always good and being with someone who you hit it off quickly with is what makes everything flow smoothly, right? Well let’s think about this for a minute.

I started off this article saying the definition of insanity. So if meeting this person is starting off the same way as the others you have met that didn’t work out, then what will make this relationship different? Nothing!!! See, here is the problem!!! Just as I said earlier “there are things about you that draw someone to you and these things can be good or bad depending on your own overall self-image and characteristics”. Well, just as the person is seeing the good things about you, that person will also eventually start to see the bad things about you too. So as all of the previous relationships have gone, eventually, so to will this relationship go. The reason is simple!!! You are the same person, looking for the same things, acting the same way, but hoping for a different result. One of the biggest mistakes that people make, is thinking that if I date someone different from the last person I dated then the results will be different. I am here to tell you that this is so untrue!!!

Even though someone may look and even act differently, they are still drawn to the same things about you that the others were. If things such as your characteristics, thought process, morals, and interests have not changed then typically the results you will get will not change!!! In others words, in order for the results to change, you have to change!!!
When you make changes that shall take you to a new level, then you change the kind of people you attract. If you raise your level, then others have to get on your level or they will have to move on. Consequently, you will now find a difference in the new people who you attract. If you change your level to a more serious, focus, marriage-thinking state of mind, then you will attract a more focus, serious, marriage-thinking person. But it all starts and ends with you!!!! When you change, others have to change around you or they will have to move on. This opens the door for people who are on the new level you are on. Now you see that you never have to try to change anyone to be what you want and need!!! All you have to do is transform yourself and the new you will attract that special someone to you. The rest will be what you both make of it.
Remember: Things change when you change; things stay the same when you stay the same!!!

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Are you really ready to receive

BlackLove19It would make logical sense to think that if we ask God for something that we would surely receive it. I mean we are talking about the most powerful “One” that can make anything happen. Therefore when we are in need we go to God and ask for help expecting to receive it. So why in cases of relationships does it appear to take so long, or in some instances it may appear that the help might not come at all? Well it has come to my attention that just asking and believing that it is going to happen just may not be enough. I believe that you must be ready to receive what God has to give. Now I know you are saying “who does not want to receive what God has for them”? But there have been many cases where the answer that God gave was not well received and in some cases not accepted by the person in need. This may sound strange but we have all done this to God, and we will probably do it again!!!

You see we oftentimes have a tough time accepting the truth!!! We know that the response God gives us is the right thing to do, but it will challenge us and take us down roads we would like to avoid. We want the answer to be quick, easy and painless!!! We do not want to have to work hard (on ourselves) to achieve the answer because that would take more time and energy than we want to give. So the question is “are you really ready to receive what God has to offer as an answer for your relationship prayers”? Has He already answered them but you did not like and rejected His answer because it was not what YOU wanted? Are you running from His answer because it will require you to do things you are not ready to do?

Listen!!! If you ask God in prayer for something, you must have total faith and belief that what He delivers is exactly WHAT YOU NEED!!! He does not make mistakes like we do, and He does not fail on His promises!!! What has happened to so many of us is that we have failed Him. We have asked Him for help but run from and even turn down His help when He delivers it.

QUESTION: So why ask for God’s help if you are not ready to receive it? I mean if we know exactly what we want in a relationship then why ask for God’ s help only to reject it because it is not exactly what we want. MY THOUGHT: The bible states “trust not in thine own understanding”. So even if we think we know all we want in and from our mate in a relationship, we cannot see all that we are getting into. God knows us better than we know ourselves and His understanding is greater than ours. We are asking for God’s help because we have tried all that we know to try. So why is it so hard to accept and act on the answers from the “One” that knows us best? Most of us at some point have gone to God and asked for His help in finding a mate. Some of us will ask God to deliver a mate to us either now or in the future. But when we do, we have to be ready to receive the answer and the path that God is leading us down. If we are not ready to receive it, then maybe we are not really ready for what we are asking God for. Just a thought!!

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Attitude of Gratitude

BLACKLOVE 4The word gratitude is not said much by common everyday people and it is sometimes done less than it is said. The Dictionary states that gratitude means “a feeling of being thankful to somebody for doing something”. I know you are saying to yourself that you are a thankful person, but are we thankful enough to the people that we are in a relationship with? Listen!! I believe that nobody on this earth (including the person we are in a relationship with) owes us anything!! When someone does something for us they do it out of the love and kindness of their hearts. It is our sincere appreciation and reciprocation that goes a long way in determining if they continue to do loving and caring things for us or not. That said I have to ask; are you really and truly thankful for the relationship you are in? Are you really and truly thankful to be with the person that you are blessed to be with?

 I say this because it is easy to say that you are happy, but how are you feeling deep down inside about the relationship? What are your true feelings about the person you are with? If your feels are not totally immersed in the relationship, do you think the person you are with doesn’t feel that vibe from you? See it’s easy to take the attitude of “since I am in this, I may as well make the best of it”. But it is totally different with having an attitude of gratitude or being truly thankful for everyday you have to be in the relationship. See I find that most people have a desire to want more!!! We are rarely satisfied with what we have!!! We are quick to point out all the flaws and problems with pretty much everything in our lives, including our relationships and the person we are with!!! So even if we are with someone who treats us well, we may still ask ourselves “can I possibly get more than what I am getting now”? Can I find someone who is hotter, richer, or more sexually stimulating to be with?

Now of course I cannot answer any of those questions for you, nor would I tell you that something is better out there for you than what you are getting. But I do believe that in order to get more, you have to be truly thankful with what you are currently blessed to have!!! It’s hard for God to bless you with more when you are not thankful with what he has blessed you with currently!!! It’s nothing wrong with wanting more out of your relationship. But have you ever thought that by showing how truly thankful you are to be with them, that maybe that person will do more to make you happier!!! See when you give to somebody that is truly grateful it makes you want to do more!!! Just like the feeling of giving to somebody that takes it for granted or treats it like it’s nothing makes you want to do less. So take the challenge of seeing what an attitude of gratitude can do to improve your relationships. I believe you will be truly amazed at how an attitude of gratitude will make your relationship and marriage better and more fulfilling.

Remember: You may not be cheating on your mate, but you may be cheating your mate because you are not 100 percent thankful for the relationship you have together.

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The Three H’s (Happy, Healthy, and Helping)

blacklove1I believe that anybody that displays the three H’s that I point out in this blog will find it a lot easier to attract and keep the relationships they desire.

1. Happy – We all know that happy people are more fun to be around than sad people. It is also the case that happy people are easier and more fun to be in a relationship with than someone who is still hurt or “broken” from past relationships. Like attract like!!! So being happy with where you are in life, love, mind, and spirit is only going to attract like-minded people to you for you to befriend and date. If you do not like the type of people you are attracting, then maybe increasing the level of happiness with your life; will increase the level of happiness in your life. Listen!!! If we are not happy with who, what, and where we are; then how can we expect someone else to be happy with who, what, and where we are!!! Work to improve the things about yourself that you are not happy with. You can try to ignore them but if you know it’s there others will eventually see it too. Be happy with being YOU, and others will be happy to be with YOU too!!!

2. Healthy – There is not much I really need to say here because it speaks for itself. Your health says a lot about how you feel about yourself. Think about this!!! In life you can have multiple cars, houses, relationships, jobs, etc; but you will only get one body!!!! God referred to it as your temple!!! Thus it should be treated as such. It should be protected, preserved, and cared for like a precious jewel or a stately manor. When this happens you are truly viewed with appreciation, admiration, and often times titillation from those that are attracted to you. When you show that you are serious about your health, then you will attract people who share the same sentiment. If a person cares about you, they want you to be at your best. A healthy lifestyle goes a long way in achieving this goal.

3. Helping – This may be the most important point when it comes to dating and relationships. We will ALL need help at some point in this lifetime!!! Therefore it is our duty to be a help to others while we are on this life’s journey. There is a Bible verse that states “God loves a cheerful giver”. So it’s clear that giving of ourselves to others can determine just how much love and joy we receive in return. We should enter each relationship with the mindset of “how can I help make this the best relationship ever”!!! “How can I help make the person that I am dating better”!!!

I am reminded of a story that a football coach told about his Mother. He stated that he and his family went to the beach to have fun and play. They played in the sand and water all day until it was time to go home. But before they could leave his Mother ordered all the kids to start picking up any trash they could find. He, not understanding why they had to pick up trash when it was someone else’s job to do it, asked his Mother why? She said to him that in this family we will always leave things better than what we found it!!! Always enter into all your relationships with the mindset of helping and giving.

Remember: God will always take care of you when you help make something better than what it was when you encountered it.

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Afraid to succeed because you are afraid to fail

ontopofworld-womanWhen I started this website and writing these blogs I knew there would be people who thought it was not going to succeed. Hell there may be some people who are reading this right now that think I will not be successful with this venture. And maybe they are right. But I am proud to say that I did not fear starting this website because I was afraid to fail. Failure is something that we will all experience in our time on this earth. Whether in sports, life, or relationships; we will all fail in meeting all the goals we desire. The beauty of failing is that it teaches you more about yourself (strengths and weaknesses) than anything else. This is when you are at your most vulnerable and exposed point. WOW!! No wonder we are afraid to fail!!! But if you are afraid to go through the very thing that can help you grow and prosper the most, then how can you ever reach the great heights of success you desire.

In relationships our fear of being hurt can cause us to possibly miss out on some of the greatest experiences that we could have. Some people would rather sit on the sidelines and watch instead of being active, alive, and participating in making things happen. Fear has a way of making you feel helpless and hopeless. It can also rob you of your ability to believe that you have control over certain situations that happen to you.

This is the feeling that I get when I talk to some females when it comes to relationships. As the years roll on they feel that they have very little, if any, control over if they will meet the man they are to marry. They are afraid to enter relationships because they believe that the chances are high that the relationship will end without the results they desired. In some cases it seems they are just waiting for bad things to happen!!! They KNOW that he is going to do something wrong just as sure as they know that they are breathing!!!! But if you think and feel this way, then YES he is going to do something to mess up the relationship!!!

Listen!!! What you fear has just as much power as what you want and desire!!! The feeling that wins is the feeling that is the strongest!!!! This is why your thoughts and feels must stay positive and focused on a successful outcome. You must attack love and relationships with the same fearlessness you attacked going to college or getting your first real job. Yeah there may have been a fear that you might struggle while adjusting to something new, yet you went ahead and gave it your best shot. You recognized the element of fear, but you did not let it consume you or stop you. Artist and athletes that have performed on big stages for years talk about the fear of having a bad performance. Yet they push it to the side and forge on, almost always to positive results. With a positive mind state like this even if the relationship fails it was still a success. Because you will always success when you do not have a fear of failure!!! Remember: You can “live” in fear; but you cannot “love” in fear!!! Choose to love freely and fearlessly!!!

I really want to know your opinion on this topic!!!!!

Please leave your comments in the box below on this topic or any other topic I have listed on this site. Also if you have a topic you would like for me to blog about or if you would like to submit a “Strawberry Letter”. Please feel free to send it to info@singleblackdatingtips.com

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