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I believe everyone should live their lives to the fullest and that means making yourself happy, but unless you want to live life alone, you must be conscience of making room for a significant other. I talked about this topic in an earlier blog called “prepare a place” but I want to take this a step further. It appears that in a quest to arrange our lives in the way that would make us happier, we are (knowingly or unknowingly) blocking out someone special from entering into our lives. For example, just imagine yourself as a piece of property (motel, hotel, apartment or house), with each property having some type of signage that lets you know the level of time commitment expected. You may have a sign outside that says “$39.99 per night with hourly rates available”, while another sign might read “extended stay” or “first month free for one year”. These signs indicate not only the time commitment desired, but also to an extent, the condition the property is in and how it is operated.
I realize that the anticipated significant other may not be currently present, but if the sign on your property reads “closed for business”, then the person will keep it moving and not even stop to inquire. See, if the overarching thought you have about having someone special in your life is “leave me alone” or “don’t bother me”, then that energy creates a force field around you that repels people with good intentions. Notice I said “people with good intentions”, because you must know that people with bad intentions don’t care what your signs say. They don’t want to stay long anyway nor do they care about leaving “a mess” behind for you to clean up. You see, someone that is going to stay for a while is going to take better care of you (your property) like they would their own home. They will try to make improvements and suggest positive changes that can be made with your approval. But someone with no good intent will do just the opposite and leave you (your property) worse than they found you. Now I know you are saying to yourself, “if my sign is saying closed for business, that means closed for business for everyone right?” Well, not exactly, because you have to remember what state of mind (energy) you are in. It is not a state of mind where you are open, loving, welcoming and desiring someone special, it is the opposite.
This state (energy)allows you to be easy preyed a pond by undesirable people because they too don’t want anything lasting or significant. Plus, I don’t have to tell you what happens to a property that is shut down for any extended period of time and the people it attracts. Also, let’s be honest, most people will not totally shut down; meaning they may be open to certain people or certain situations. These people will only offer short term, get over the hump, situations that will not last long. For example, most people rent because they are not able to own a home. But renters are essentially borrowers (have a landlord, maintenance man can come in your place when you are not home, etc.) but someone that buys a home is an owner (no landlord, nobody enters unless the owner authorize, etc.). My point is, too many people are letting themselves be rented out instead of demanding and working for lifetime ownership. Now I understand that sometimes renting may be the best option for a period of time, but there is nothing like having a property you can call your own!!! My suggestion is that you change the sign from “close for business” to “close for repairs” and work on your property in prayer (or meditation) everyday. Before you know it you will be able to turn what was a short-term lease property into a long-term mortgage property.
Read, Recognize, React!!!
Plenty has been said and written about the power of Imagination. There are numerous video’s you can find on the internet that go in depth about using your vision and imagination to turn your dreams into reality. Suffice it to say, we all had dreams that we at one time desired to come true. When they didn’t come true, we perhaps thought it was not in the cards for us to realize that achievement. But what if I told you that you only really need three elements to make any desire manifest in your life. Those three elements are Vision, Focus, and Drive. Of course you obviously have to envision your goal, but furthermore you have to stay Visually Focus on it and Drive toward it every day.
An assistant college football coach asked a reporter that was conducting an interview with him the question, “what is the most important body part a young man needs to catch a football”? Without hesitation (or much thought) the reporter quickly replied “his hands”. The coach, with a devilish grin, sarcastically replied, “Well let me put a blindfold over your eyes and throw this football at you”!
This exchange, obviously exemplifies the statement, “you can’t catch what you can’t see”. This is also true about your goals and dreams. We cannot allow our Vision, in any way, to be altered, blurred, distracted or flat out blinded!!! If you cannot see, you cannot drive (move forward)!!! Our Vision, the foreseeing of the end result and what it will look like, is what keeps us Driven and Focus.
Now, I know this sounds more like a life lesson (and it is), but it is also a relationship lesson. See, if we apply the same principles of Vision, Focus and Drive to our relationship desires, we can accomplish the goals we set to achieve in that area of life too.
1. See (Vision) yourself in that loving relationship; see yourself with someone who is faithful and honest, or whatever traits you want that person to have. Stay Focused on it and Drive it into your head (Mind) that you can and will have it and are worthy of it.
2. Don’t just picture the physical features but also concentrate on things beyond the physical. Traits like love, thoughtfulness, and faithfulness are much more enduring than the physical traits and will be more appreciated and cherished over time.
3. If someone or something comes along and tries to get you out of that belief, get away from them or it as quickly as possible and immediately Focus on your goal again. The more time, energy and effort you put into it, the more quickly and abundantly it will come to you.
4. Understand that if your current thoughts are not even close to what you desire, then you will have to Focus longer and stay Driven longer to realize what you Visualize. I firmly believe the more you WORK at it you will see progress, and hopefully that will fuel you to stay on the current path.
5. See yourself being helpful and beneficial to that person. See yourself being an asset in all phases of that person’s life. See yourself adding significance and value to that person’s life.
6. Please have the same character and morals you desire your mate to have. If you don’t have them, WORK on developing them now.
7. Lastly, remember it is YOUR VISION for the relationship that YOU WANT!!!
It is amazing to me that so many people will allow others to tell them or make them believe they can’t have the relationship they want. Something like, “that sounds good and all, but we know that’s not real”. Truth is, it is as real as you think and believe it to be. And the crazy part is, you only need ONE other potential mate to believe and want what you believe and want!!! Just one other person!!! Out of the hundreds or even thousands of people you can meet, you only need ONE.
Read, Recognize, And React!!!
If you have lived long enough, you have heard people say many times that you get out of life what you put into it!!! Another famous saying is “nothing in life comes for free; you have to work hard to earn what you get from life”. Consequently, if you went to Bank of America today, you would not be able to withdraw $1000 from that bank if you have not put $1000 in to it. It is obvious why this is the case and it is summed up in a little word called Investment. See; when you make an investment in something you will always get a return. Sometimes the returns are not what you may want or expect, but you will always get a return. I believe that the level of return you get back has a lot to do with the level of investment you put into it.
Some people do very little (or not enough) research before they invest, while others may mean well, yet they still make poor investment decisions. Some people, in fact, do ample research and due diligence but still ignore signs that may indicate they are making a bad choice. As much as there is no way to say that one system of investing is better than another, we can surely say that most great investors following the golden rule of investing in potential. The reason is simply because the possible return is greater than what you would receive from a more established investment.
Quite often you find that some people want to get the most out of a relationship without investing much into it; and that is simply not practical. You find that they “cheat” the relationship by doing the least amount possible for their mate, but expecting their mate to go above and beyond for them. Some people use persuasive and even manipulative tactics to make the relationship advantageous to their desires and wishes.
I know some people feel that “taking advantage of the relationship makes them the winner, but I still believe that making a fair and equal investment into the relationship is the key. Now it’s hard to argue against situations where people appear to be getting everything they want without putting much into it. But what often happens is when they themselves are ready to fully invest in someone, that person they desire either shows little interest, or takes advantage of their investment.
I feel the reason this “cat and mouse” game is happening is because too often people are hoping and waiting for Mr. or Ms. Perfect. A man that is bigger, stronger, earns more money, and is more handsome than the other men she has dated. Men, consequently, are looking for the woman that are more generous, selfless, more attractive, and has a better shape than the other women he has dated. I believe that in our quest to find the perfect relationship we are overlooking mates who are not perfect but have great potential. Let’s say you meet someone that has great potential and you help them reach their goals, you can ultimately share in their bliss. However, if you meet someone that already has achieved success, then you may always stand in their shadow instead of sharing the spotlight. So if you really consider yourself smart, talented, and successful, then what is wrong with investing in someone and helping them rise to your level or beyond?
One night, President Obama and his wife Michelle decided to do something out of routine and go for a casual dinner at a restaurant that wasn’t too luxurious. When they were seated, the owner of the restaurant asked the President’s Secret Service if he could please speak to the First Lady in private. They obliged and Michelle had a conversation with the owner.
Following this conversation President Obama asked Michelle, “Why was he so interested in talking to you?” She mentioned that in her teenage years, he had been madly in love with her. President Obama then said, “So if you had married him, you would now be the owner of this lovely restaurant,” to which Michelle responded, “No. If I had married him, he would now be the President.”
Remember: Great people make great people!!! Don’t just use your smarts, talents, and success for your own ambition. INVEST IN OTHER PEOPLE’S POTENTIAL!!
It is said that when someone has a bad habit or a bad trait that has become a problem, one has to break that habit or trait in order to create a new and better habit. This process of breaking sometime in order to fix it and make it better is not something new. It is said that when human bones break and are reset back in place, the bone actually grows back harder and stronger to help protect it from breaking again. The whole concept of muscle building is breaking down and tearing up the muscle so that the muscle repairs itself strong and thinker than before. A dear friend from college named Cynthia sent me a text that moved me to write this blog. In the text it stated the following: “I heard this this morning while watching TD Jakes: Some things break us to bless us and make us better. Every time Jesus broke the bread when He was feeding the 5000 with 2 fish and 5 loaves of bread it multiplied and kept on Blessing. He does the same with us.”
At some point we have had our hearts broken. This is not done to make us scared to love again; it is to make our hearts stronger and our love deeper. It allows us to take a keener look into what we truly desire so we can meditate on those desires and make them manifest within us. When muscles breaks down and builds back up they are better than before, likewise, this is also how we should be in terms of broken hearts and broken feelings. But we must remember the fundamental key to making that which is broken even stronger and better is Healing.
Listen, if you broke a leg on a dining room table and you put it back together knowing it is fragile (not attached well), then you are going to be careful with that table. You will not put much weight on it and you will try not to let anyone near it.
However when you know that it was put back together properly and, in fact, is stronger and more secured than it was before, then you have no fear in letting anyone near it and put their weight on it. It is the same with our hearts. The question is did we take the time to let our hearts heal and become stronger like we would if we broke our leg? Or did we just put it back together with whatever we had available to us, now we will not let anyone near it because we know it might fall apart?
The physical Heart is often referred to as the “Heart Muscle,” and having it work correctly is critical to our good health and long living. The relationship “Heart” plays the same role as being essential to our relationship happiness and lasting feelings of love. Therefore when that Heart is broken, it is the equivalent of the physical Heart stopping. Nowadays thanks to the improvements in medicine, a person can have a heart attack and still go on to live a healthy and productive life. But often lifestyle changes need to be made that will bring the Heart back alignment with good health.
1. You must feed your relationship heart good healthy, life-giving, energy-giving love.
2. You must avoid putting your relationship heart under stress. No relationship will be stress-free but it’s not supposed to be stress-full.
3. You must exercise your relationship heart. You can’t sit around in fear and hurt, you must work toward achieving the goal you desire.
Remember: Just like the fish and loaves of bread, a heart that was broken can be a blessing to so many. A heart that was broken and still full of pain, hurt, and fear, can’t be a blessing even to itself.
When something fails it is never a good feeling. It could be something as simple as a plan not working out or someone not coming through for you on a favor. Because we are human, it triggers certain emotions in us when things fail that we wanted to see succeed. Nothing epitomizes this more than the emotions that occur when we have a relationship or a marriage that fails. The toll it can take on us mentally and emotionally can be devastating and can stay with us for quite a while. We can find ourselves carrying the scars of the botched relationship with us into new relationships which can put a strain (at best) on the health and well-being of that union. But sometimes our reactions to a failed relationship or marriage can be toxic to us and everyone involved. Our reactions can be very selfish, vindictive, hurtful, malicious, cruel, tactless, immoral, evil, wicked, sinful, nasty, and even violent. The reason that I am writing this is because I feel like these reactions (and ones like them) are the wrong way to handle the failure of a relationship or marriage.
Yes we will be hurt, disappointed, and upset about the collapse, but this should be the time we should give thanks for its failure. The Bible states “give thanks in all things”, this also includes failure!!! We have to understand that we have no idea what God could be protecting us from by allowing this relationship or marriage to end. God could be trying to protect us from Infidelity, pregnancy, abuse, and maybe even death!!! Often, however, our reaction is to be spiteful. Saying mean and destructive things about the other person and placing the blame on them for everything. In doing so, we are clearly not seeing this as a time to be thankful for what could have resulted in a much more painful relationship in so many ways. I truly believe by reacting like this we are “blocking our blessings” from God. Instead of thanking God for protecting us from harm, we are responding with anger, hostility, and bitterness toward the people we cared for. We must see these failures as tests and lessons that we need to pass in order to get the bigger and better blessings.
Responding negatively to these tests only holds us back from those blessings God wants us so much to have and experience. The true danger is when one starts to let the negative thoughts and feeling of unsuccessful relationships and marriage consume them. They start believing that “this is the way it is” and their faith in “better love” starts to wane and in some case even disappear. They start saying and believing that good “Men” or good “Women” are hard, if not impossible, to find. These feelings and beliefs can easily happen when we are focused on failure!!! Instead we should thank God for the impending success that we faithfully know he is preparing us for. The failures are the preparation, the test, and the lessons!!! But we have to pass the test and learn the lessons in order to get the blessings!!! It is said that most entrepreneurs fail several times before they become a success. They understand that failure doesn’t mean to quit or that they can’t achieve their goal. It just means that they have to work harder, smarter, learn from their mistakes and make better decisions!!!!
Remember: It’s not really about THEM, it’s really not even about YOU; it’s about God’s plan for us!!! When we learn to let go of our plan and let God work his plan; our relationship and marriage lives will be so much more gratifying, abundant, and fulfilling.
In the last installment of this series I am going to end by putting emphases on Love and what God wants us to be for each other, and to each other in relationships. I leave you with these four passages from the Bible. Two are fairly long but I believe will be well worth reading.
Proverbs 31: 10-31
The Wife of Noble Character
10 [b]A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
11 Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
12 She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.
13 She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.
14 She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.
15 She gets up while it is still night;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her female servants.
16 She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
17 She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.
18 She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.
19 In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
20 She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.
21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
22 She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
23 Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
24 She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.
25 She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
26 She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
27 She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
29 “Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all.”
30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
31 Honor her for all that her hands have done,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.
Proverbs 5: 1-23
Warning Against Adultery
5 My son, be attentive to my wisdom;
incline your ear to my understanding,
2 that you may keep discretion,
and your lips may guard knowledge.
3 For the lips of a forbidden[a] woman drip honey,
and her speech[b] is smoother than oil,
4 but in the end she is bitter as wormwood,
sharp as a two-edged sword.
5 Her feet go down to death;
her steps follow the path to[c] Sheol;
6 she does not ponder the path of life;
her ways wander, and she does not know it.
7 And now, O sons, listen to me,
and do not depart from the words of my mouth.
8 Keep your way far from her,
and do not go near the door of her house,
9 lest you give your honor to others
and your years to the merciless,
10 lest strangers take their fill of your strength,
and your labors go to the house of a foreigner,
11 and at the end of your life you groan,
when your flesh and body are consumed,
12 and you say, “How I hated discipline,
and my heart despised reproof!
13 I did not listen to the voice of my teachers
or incline my ear to my instructors.
14 I am at the brink of utter ruin
in the assembled congregation.”
15 Drink water from your own cistern,
flowing water from your own well.
16 Should your springs be scattered abroad,
streams of water in the streets?
17 Let them be for yourself alone,
and not for strangers with you.
18 Let your fountain be blessed,
and rejoice in the wife of your youth,
19 a lovely deer, a graceful doe.
Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight;
be intoxicated[d] always in her love.
20 Why should you be intoxicated, my son, with a forbidden woman
and embrace the bosom of an adulteress?[e]
21 For a man’s ways are before the eyes of the Lord,
and he ponders[f] all his paths.
22 The iniquities of the wicked ensnare him,
and he is held fast in the cords of his sin.
23 He dies for lack of discipline,
and because of his great folly he is led astray.
9 Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. 10 For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! 11 Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? 12 And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.
Oftentimes people claim to be in love with someone, or that someone is in love with them. This verse clearly defines with love is, and also what love is not!!! Please take a moment and measure your love, or someone’s love for you against these wonderful words of wisdom.
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
As you may be able to tell as you read further, this blog is directed toward women in particular (but men will learn from this also). Don’t worry ladies; the next blog will be all about the men!!! In continuing with the theme of my last blog, I found some verses that I would like to share that the Bible proposes is the Godly temperament for a woman. Much has been discussed about the nature of meekness in a woman, or the lack thereof. Meekness is defined as “An attitude of humble, submissive and expectant trust in God, and a loving, patient and gentle attitude towards others.”Another example states “Biblical meekness is not weakness, but rather refers to exercising God’s strength under His control – i.e. demonstrating power without undue harshness.”
1 Peter 3:3-5 – Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.
1 Timothy 2:9-10 – I also want the women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, adorning themselves, not with elaborate hairstyles or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God.
From the website “Bible Counseling for Women in the Blog titled “Meekness vs Weakness”, the author states the following. “Meekness is often misunderstood as weakness. It is represented as being something women do not want to “be” because those who portray meekness do so poorly. A meek woman is actually very strong, and knows what she is about. She understands her position in Christ and her place in the Body.”
Could a woman actually be truly stronger by having a spirit of meekness? Could this be why their may be the appearance of strength, yet a lack of results?
Sometimes for a woman, being argumentative and forceful can be equated to being strong and powerful. In a relationship, however, these characteristics may not yield such a positive result.
Proverbs 21: 9 – Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.
Proverbs 21: 19 – Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife.
Could it be that God is not pleased with this type of temperament? Could this be a reason for break-ups and divorces? Could this thus make matters worse in the relationship or marriage? The author of “Meekness vs Weakness” goes on to say, “I find meekness to be lacking in many women these days. We seem to have become argumentative, spiteful, and vengeful. Many women are this way in the home and workplace and even in the church.”
The “Good” book goes on to further explain the hopes and expectations of women.
Titus 2: 3-5 – older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.
And of course it has to be pointed out what God’s purpose and reason was when he created “Woman”.
Genesis 2: 18 – The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”
Now I could be wrong, but it appears that God is more concerned with what the woman looks like on the inside than on the outside. Therefore it is my belief, that the secret to a success relationship or marriage is developing, enhancing, and refining what is found within.
Remember: If you are beautiful on the inside, it will not only be visible and pleasing to God, but to man as well.
The website “Bible Counseling for Women in the Blog titled “Meekness vs Weakness” can be found at http://bc4women.blogspot.com/2011/04/meekness-or-weakness.html
Suffice it to say that everyone that is viewing this blog has been
hurt by a failed relationship. This is why the things that I am about to discuss are so important to where you are now and where you want to go from here. Most people (both men and woman) are currently or have been in relationships that have ended, which oftentimes places you in a state of pain management. This is the states of dealing with the loss of the relationship and the hurt that comes with its failure. I once heard a quote that went “10% of life is what happens to you, and the other 90% is about how you handle it”. And nothing is more taxing on the mind, soul, and spirit than how you handle hurt, loss, and disappointment. All too often when the relationship ends we want nothing more than for the pain and hurt to go away. So of course we are looking for pain medicine in any form we can find it. Whether that is through talking to your best friend about it, get busy doing things to take your mind off it, or (and the most dangerous thing to do) getting involved with someone else.
Now the reason I say this is dangerous is even though they can take your mind off the pain you are going though, they cannot provide the true healing that you need. This is so important because we take the pain medicine and it makes us feel better but we cannot mistake it for true healing!!! We have to understand that pain medicine is just what is used to get through the pain we are experiencing until we are truly healed (if you ever reach that point). So we have to understand that pain medicine in any form HAS NOT, CAN NOT, AND WILL NOT HEAL YOU!!!! Its only design is to relieve pain therefore it cannot heal you!!! True healing comes with time, patience, and positive thoughts\prayers!!!
Look at it this way. If your leg has been broken and you go to the hospital and they treat your leg and give you pain medicine, will your leg be healed after taking it? No!!! The healing process is just beginning. It’s going to take time, patience, and the proper care, in order for your leg to heal. It is the same with you heart, soul, and spirit. It’s ok to take pain medicine but you cannot get hooked on it. You cannot let it be a substitute for true healing; FOR IF YOU ARE TRULY HEALED YOU WOULD NOT BE HURTING OR IN ANY PAIN!!! This is why it is so important to go through the healing process. Because a lot of people are still taking pain medicine for injuries (bad relationships) they sustained years ago because they did not allow the injury to heal completely. They popped a few pain pills and when they felt better they went on with life. But because they weren’t completely healed the pain constantly comes back and for some has become a chronic (emotional) pain issue. Nobody I know wants to have recurring pain and hurt in their life. Now is the time to stop and heal from whatever that is causing you pain!!!! Take the time, have the patience, and feed your spirit positive thoughts and prayers, and begin healing yourself toward a new YOU!!!
As you know, the last few post have been about men and some of the issues that plague us. Although my post are original content that I write based on my opinion, I was moved by this piece that I had examined. It was written by Gerald Rogers and it has, in my opinion, some great advice that should be shared with the men in your life. So please enjoy and share what I believe can help cultivate, improve and save our relationships.
My advice after a divorce following 16 years of marriage, by Gerald Rogers.
Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s something about my divorce being finalized this week that gives me perspective of things I wish I would have done different… After losing a woman that I loved, and a marriage of almost 16 years, here’s the advice I wish I would have had
1. Never stop courting. Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love.
2. Protect your own heart. Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.
3. Fall in love over and over again. You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her.
4. Always see the best in her. Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to be have this woman as your wife.
5. It’s not your job to change or fix her… your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.
6. Take full accountability for your own emotions: It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.
7. Never blame your wife if you get frustrated or angry at her, it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your responsibility. When you feel those feelings take time to get present and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed. You were attracted to this woman because she was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them… when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever were.
8. Allow your woman to just be. When she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know it’s ok. Let her know that you hear her, and that she’s important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean. The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to you… DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.
9. Be silly… don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.
10. Fill her soul everyday… learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to make her feel like a queen.
11. Be present. Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is.
12. Be willing to take her sexually, to carry her away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.
13. Don’t be an idiot…. And don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.
14. Give her space… The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself. Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will come back with new songs to sing…. (okay, getting a little too poetic here, but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get re-centered, and to find herself after she gets lost in serving you, the kids and the world.)
15. Be vulnerable… you don’t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.
16. Be fully transparent. If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING… Especially those things you don’t want to share. It takes courage to fully love, to fully open your heart and let her in when you don’t know i she will like what she finds… Part of that courage is allowing her to love you completely, your darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK… If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her, and show up perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.
17. Never stop growing together… The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.
18. Don’t worry about money. Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win.
19. Forgive immediately and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back. FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.
20. Always choose love. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.
In the end marriage isn’t about happily ever after. It’s about work. And a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity. Through that work, the happiness will come. Marriage is life, and it will bring ups and downs. Embracing all of the cycles and learning to learn from and love each experience will bring the strength and perspective to keep building, one brick at a time. These are lessons I learned the hard way. These are lessons I learned too late. But these are lessons I am learning and committed in carrying forward. Truth is, I loved being married, and in time, I will get married again, and when I do, I will build it with a foundation that will endure any storm and any amount of time. If you are reading this and find wisdom in my pain, share it those those young husbands whose hearts are still full of hope, and with those couples you may know who may have forgotten how to love. One of those men may be like I was, and in these hard earned lessons perhaps something will awaken in him and he will learn to be the man his lady has been waiting for. MEN- THIS IS YOUR CHARGE: Commit to being an EPIC LOVER. There is no greater challenge, and no greater prize. Your woman deserves that from. Be the type of husband your wife can’t help but brag about.
There are so many reasons for men running away from women that are good to them. Therefore I cannot possibly talk about every motive in this blog, but I would like to address something that I feel may contribute to this phenomenon. We often times want to point to the last person he was involved with in a relationship as the problem. Maybe even the women he dated long ago or a failed marriage. All these factors can, and possibly do play a part in his inability to stay committed and devoted to a good, loyal, and loving woman. But I just want to talk about a subject that could also help contribute to this issue. I propose that some issues may have occurred, and have not been corrected, from experiences he underwent during his childhood and adolescent years.
He may have, in some instances, seen his parents act inappropriately in the marriage. This could delineate anything from witnessing violent arguments, to having an adulterous affair come to light. This can result in the feeling of “if my parents cannot get it right, then how would I be able to get it right”.
He may have seen his single mom date several different guys (and sleep with many of them) but they do not stay together. By the time he begins to like them and grow attached to them, they are gone. This can lead to trust issues like “will the person I care about stay around or leave me”.
He may have tried young love and gotten his heart broken. This can consequently be followed by receiving bad advice on dealing with the pain of a broken heart. Unwise friends and family members may make reprehensible and improper remarks like, “you should never trust or love them “hoes”.
Clearly for a young boy, the relationship with his mom is a special bond. He will often try to protect her, especially after he has seen her get hurt by somebody. So just imagine how he is feeling to see her go through a failed situation with a man. He will often times hurt in silence because he needs and relies on her for sustenance and guidance. Even though he may be told “it is none of your business” or I’m grown and you’re not”, it still hurts and it is still affecting him in a negative way. He also will rely, and look up to, his Dad for strength, guidance, and understanding. But if his Dad is not present, or is a bad example for him, he may miss having that strong male figure to direct his path.
The problem is when a man experiences certain issues as a child; these issues can take hold and become rooted in the child’s mind. These thoughts can then develop and grow over the years without anyone knowing, because the child is holding it in. Later in life these thoughts and emotions can come to the surface and manifest itself in a number of harmful and destructive ways. The results could be anything from jealousy, infidelity, abuse (verbal and\or physical), possessiveness, and distrust just to name a few.
This is why it is so important for women to desire a man that understands and addresses issues from his past. If you are with a man that always says “I don’t know”, “I don’t understand why”, or cannot explain why he does things that hurt you, then that is not a good sign. In order to correct any problem, you have to know and understand what the problem is and what is causing it. If he does not know or cannot explain why he does what he does, how can he ever fix it!!!!
Food for thought: it’s harder to make mistakes when the examples that you see before you are doing it the right way.