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How to make any man fall in love with you!!!
2019: Take the limits off of God
2 months ago
The modern day dilemma of being an Independent Woman
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Finding the faith to forgive yourself and others
6 months ago
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How my life shifted when I turned to God instead of people
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- 2019: Take the limits off of God
Tag Archives: relationships
As part of our Reader Request month in August, we’re starting things early with this request from our Instagram page: Absolutely! Happiness is not found in another person or being in a relationship. You are responsible for your happiness and … Continue reading
I believe everyone should live their lives to the fullest and that means making yourself happy, but unless you want to live life alone, you must be conscience of making room for a significant other. I talked about this topic in an earlier blog called “prepare a place” but I want to take this a step further. It appears that in a quest to arrange our lives in the way that would make us happier, we are (knowingly or unknowingly) blocking out someone special from entering into our lives. For example, just imagine yourself as a piece of property (motel, hotel, apartment or house), with each property having some type of signage that lets you know the level of time commitment expected. You may have a sign outside that says “$39.99 per night with hourly rates available”, while another sign might read “extended stay” or “first month free for one year”. These signs indicate not only the time commitment desired, but also to an extent, the condition the property is in and how it is operated.
I realize that the anticipated significant other may not be currently present, but if the sign on your property reads “closed for business”, then the person will keep it moving and not even stop to inquire. See, if the overarching thought you have about having someone special in your life is “leave me alone” or “don’t bother me”, then that energy creates a force field around you that repels people with good intentions. Notice I said “people with good intentions”, because you must know that people with bad intentions don’t care what your signs say. They don’t want to stay long anyway nor do they care about leaving “a mess” behind for you to clean up. You see, someone that is going to stay for a while is going to take better care of you (your property) like they would their own home. They will try to make improvements and suggest positive changes that can be made with your approval. But someone with no good intent will do just the opposite and leave you (your property) worse than they found you. Now I know you are saying to yourself, “if my sign is saying closed for business, that means closed for business for everyone right?” Well, not exactly, because you have to remember what state of mind (energy) you are in. It is not a state of mind where you are open, loving, welcoming and desiring someone special, it is the opposite.
This state (energy)allows you to be easy preyed a pond by undesirable people because they too don’t want anything lasting or significant. Plus, I don’t have to tell you what happens to a property that is shut down for any extended period of time and the people it attracts. Also, let’s be honest, most people will not totally shut down; meaning they may be open to certain people or certain situations. These people will only offer short term, get over the hump, situations that will not last long. For example, most people rent because they are not able to own a home. But renters are essentially borrowers (have a landlord, maintenance man can come in your place when you are not home, etc.) but someone that buys a home is an owner (no landlord, nobody enters unless the owner authorize, etc.). My point is, too many people are letting themselves be rented out instead of demanding and working for lifetime ownership. Now I understand that sometimes renting may be the best option for a period of time, but there is nothing like having a property you can call your own!!! My suggestion is that you change the sign from “close for business” to “close for repairs” and work on your property in prayer (or meditation) everyday. Before you know it you will be able to turn what was a short-term lease property into a long-term mortgage property.
Read, Recognize, React!!!
Plenty has been said and written about the power of Imagination. There are numerous video’s you can find on the internet that go in depth about using your vision and imagination to turn your dreams into reality. Suffice it to say, we all had dreams that we at one time desired to come true. When they didn’t come true, we perhaps thought it was not in the cards for us to realize that achievement. But what if I told you that you only really need three elements to make any desire manifest in your life. Those three elements are Vision, Focus, and Drive. Of course you obviously have to envision your goal, but furthermore you have to stay Visually Focus on it and Drive toward it every day.
An assistant college football coach asked a reporter that was conducting an interview with him the question, “what is the most important body part a young man needs to catch a football”? Without hesitation (or much thought) the reporter quickly replied “his hands”. The coach, with a devilish grin, sarcastically replied, “Well let me put a blindfold over your eyes and throw this football at you”!
This exchange, obviously exemplifies the statement, “you can’t catch what you can’t see”. This is also true about your goals and dreams. We cannot allow our Vision, in any way, to be altered, blurred, distracted or flat out blinded!!! If you cannot see, you cannot drive (move forward)!!! Our Vision, the foreseeing of the end result and what it will look like, is what keeps us Driven and Focus.
Now, I know this sounds more like a life lesson (and it is), but it is also a relationship lesson. See, if we apply the same principles of Vision, Focus and Drive to our relationship desires, we can accomplish the goals we set to achieve in that area of life too.
1. See (Vision) yourself in that loving relationship; see yourself with someone who is faithful and honest, or whatever traits you want that person to have. Stay Focused on it and Drive it into your head (Mind) that you can and will have it and are worthy of it.
2. Don’t just picture the physical features but also concentrate on things beyond the physical. Traits like love, thoughtfulness, and faithfulness are much more enduring than the physical traits and will be more appreciated and cherished over time.
3. If someone or something comes along and tries to get you out of that belief, get away from them or it as quickly as possible and immediately Focus on your goal again. The more time, energy and effort you put into it, the more quickly and abundantly it will come to you.
4. Understand that if your current thoughts are not even close to what you desire, then you will have to Focus longer and stay Driven longer to realize what you Visualize. I firmly believe the more you WORK at it you will see progress, and hopefully that will fuel you to stay on the current path.
5. See yourself being helpful and beneficial to that person. See yourself being an asset in all phases of that person’s life. See yourself adding significance and value to that person’s life.
6. Please have the same character and morals you desire your mate to have. If you don’t have them, WORK on developing them now.
7. Lastly, remember it is YOUR VISION for the relationship that YOU WANT!!!
It is amazing to me that so many people will allow others to tell them or make them believe they can’t have the relationship they want. Something like, “that sounds good and all, but we know that’s not real”. Truth is, it is as real as you think and believe it to be. And the crazy part is, you only need ONE other potential mate to believe and want what you believe and want!!! Just one other person!!! Out of the hundreds or even thousands of people you can meet, you only need ONE.
Read, Recognize, And React!!!
If you have lived long enough, you have heard people say many times that you get out of life what you put into it!!! Another famous saying is “nothing in life comes for free; you have to work hard to earn what you get from life”. Consequently, if you went to Bank of America today, you would not be able to withdraw $1000 from that bank if you have not put $1000 in to it. It is obvious why this is the case and it is summed up in a little word called Investment. See; when you make an investment in something you will always get a return. Sometimes the returns are not what you may want or expect, but you will always get a return. I believe that the level of return you get back has a lot to do with the level of investment you put into it.
Some people do very little (or not enough) research before they invest, while others may mean well, yet they still make poor investment decisions. Some people, in fact, do ample research and due diligence but still ignore signs that may indicate they are making a bad choice. As much as there is no way to say that one system of investing is better than another, we can surely say that most great investors following the golden rule of investing in potential. The reason is simply because the possible return is greater than what you would receive from a more established investment.
Quite often you find that some people want to get the most out of a relationship without investing much into it; and that is simply not practical. You find that they “cheat” the relationship by doing the least amount possible for their mate, but expecting their mate to go above and beyond for them. Some people use persuasive and even manipulative tactics to make the relationship advantageous to their desires and wishes.
I know some people feel that “taking advantage of the relationship makes them the winner, but I still believe that making a fair and equal investment into the relationship is the key. Now it’s hard to argue against situations where people appear to be getting everything they want without putting much into it. But what often happens is when they themselves are ready to fully invest in someone, that person they desire either shows little interest, or takes advantage of their investment.
I feel the reason this “cat and mouse” game is happening is because too often people are hoping and waiting for Mr. or Ms. Perfect. A man that is bigger, stronger, earns more money, and is more handsome than the other men she has dated. Men, consequently, are looking for the woman that are more generous, selfless, more attractive, and has a better shape than the other women he has dated. I believe that in our quest to find the perfect relationship we are overlooking mates who are not perfect but have great potential. Let’s say you meet someone that has great potential and you help them reach their goals, you can ultimately share in their bliss. However, if you meet someone that already has achieved success, then you may always stand in their shadow instead of sharing the spotlight. So if you really consider yourself smart, talented, and successful, then what is wrong with investing in someone and helping them rise to your level or beyond?
One night, President Obama and his wife Michelle decided to do something out of routine and go for a casual dinner at a restaurant that wasn’t too luxurious. When they were seated, the owner of the restaurant asked the President’s Secret Service if he could please speak to the First Lady in private. They obliged and Michelle had a conversation with the owner.
Following this conversation President Obama asked Michelle, “Why was he so interested in talking to you?” She mentioned that in her teenage years, he had been madly in love with her. President Obama then said, “So if you had married him, you would now be the owner of this lovely restaurant,” to which Michelle responded, “No. If I had married him, he would now be the President.”
Remember: Great people make great people!!! Don’t just use your smarts, talents, and success for your own ambition. INVEST IN OTHER PEOPLE’S POTENTIAL!!
It is said that when someone has a bad habit or a bad trait that has become a problem, one has to break that habit or trait in order to create a new and better habit. This process of breaking sometime in order to fix it and make it better is not something new. It is said that when human bones break and are reset back in place, the bone actually grows back harder and stronger to help protect it from breaking again. The whole concept of muscle building is breaking down and tearing up the muscle so that the muscle repairs itself strong and thinker than before. A dear friend from college named Cynthia sent me a text that moved me to write this blog. In the text it stated the following: “I heard this this morning while watching TD Jakes: Some things break us to bless us and make us better. Every time Jesus broke the bread when He was feeding the 5000 with 2 fish and 5 loaves of bread it multiplied and kept on Blessing. He does the same with us.”
At some point we have had our hearts broken. This is not done to make us scared to love again; it is to make our hearts stronger and our love deeper. It allows us to take a keener look into what we truly desire so we can meditate on those desires and make them manifest within us. When muscles breaks down and builds back up they are better than before, likewise, this is also how we should be in terms of broken hearts and broken feelings. But we must remember the fundamental key to making that which is broken even stronger and better is Healing.
Listen, if you broke a leg on a dining room table and you put it back together knowing it is fragile (not attached well), then you are going to be careful with that table. You will not put much weight on it and you will try not to let anyone near it.
However when you know that it was put back together properly and, in fact, is stronger and more secured than it was before, then you have no fear in letting anyone near it and put their weight on it. It is the same with our hearts. The question is did we take the time to let our hearts heal and become stronger like we would if we broke our leg? Or did we just put it back together with whatever we had available to us, now we will not let anyone near it because we know it might fall apart?
The physical Heart is often referred to as the “Heart Muscle,” and having it work correctly is critical to our good health and long living. The relationship “Heart” plays the same role as being essential to our relationship happiness and lasting feelings of love. Therefore when that Heart is broken, it is the equivalent of the physical Heart stopping. Nowadays thanks to the improvements in medicine, a person can have a heart attack and still go on to live a healthy and productive life. But often lifestyle changes need to be made that will bring the Heart back alignment with good health.
1. You must feed your relationship heart good healthy, life-giving, energy-giving love.
2. You must avoid putting your relationship heart under stress. No relationship will be stress-free but it’s not supposed to be stress-full.
3. You must exercise your relationship heart. You can’t sit around in fear and hurt, you must work toward achieving the goal you desire.
Remember: Just like the fish and loaves of bread, a heart that was broken can be a blessing to so many. A heart that was broken and still full of pain, hurt, and fear, can’t be a blessing even to itself.
I have to make an admission!!! For a while in my life I tried to make my identity into something that would be pleasing to others. I tried to identify with the things that would make it easy for me to fit in. If nothing else,Identify I made sure that I didn’t do anything that would make me stand out in a bad way. I believe that our Identities are often tied up in what people and society thinks and the factors that exist because of it. We understand that being identified in the wrong way can be damaging to us and our reputation. Because of this reason, so many people identify with the cultural norms. We will claim we are our own person and that we stand out from the rest, but really we are pretty much like everyone else. We typically go to the same restaurants that everybody else goes to. We want the same type of material possessions that everybody else has. We often shop at the same stores everybody else shops. Likewise, this society can be very hard on people who are different, that’s why most people may think they stand out but they really don’t.
This is so prevalent in relationships nowadays that it is destroying the fabric of that bond. So many people want to be identified as being self-ambitious. We want people to see our drive, our work, our hustle. We want to be recognized and be considered “The MAN” (or “The WOMAN”) when we walk through.
We have to understand that very few people were put on this earth for this reason. But we were all given a purpose and I believe that purpose is tied to at least one other person. God designed and fashioned us for relationships. In my opinion “self-anything” is an insult to God. Who are you in God’s eyes? Who am I in God’s eyes?!!!! It’s not about who you are, it is about who you touch!!! Relationships are not designed for just attending to all of your self-serving pleasures and delights. But society would tell you different. Society has us bending rules, changing laws, and creating new norms. Relationships are being affected more by what is being watched in our house, then what is being taught in God’s house. We are being influenced more by TV than TD!!! We are identifying with the wrong set of standards.
We were not put here to be alone. He did not put us here to just live for ourselves. YES I KNOW YOU’VE BEEN HURT!!! We have all been hurt by someone and if we keep living we will be hurt or disappointed by someone else in the future. REMEMBER: It may not have been your choice to have gotten hurt; but it is totally your choice to stay hurt!!!! I believe everybody has somebody that will love them!! The question is will you allow that person to love you? Could it be that your self-Identity is getting in the way?
We have too many people that are so self-aware of how beautiful they are on the outside. They are so self-aware of how appealing their bodies are. They are so self-aware of how much money they make. They are so self-aware of their status at their job, but those things only really matter on a societal level.
(Philippians 2:3-4)“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”
If we identified ourselves with the Bible verse above, I truly believe we would have better and stronger relationships and we would attract better relationships in the future.
As I sit back and think about all of the blogs I have written on this site, all I can do is thank God for continuing to give me more to say. I pray it is well received, but mostly I pray it is applied in your life to help you discover that special someone or make your relationship with that someone you are with better. With that being said, there is no place “better” than being in the presence of Love. So what is Love?
Love is the most powerful emotion that we can feel as humans. It is what we yearn for from our parents, family and friends. But the love we really seek (outside of seeking God’s love) is the love from our mate. But for some of us that love has been stepped on and crush. That love has been betrayed by cheating. That love has been mentally and physically abusing. That love has been one-sided and unbalanced. That love has been impatient and intolerable. That love has been mean-spirited and hateful. THAT IS NOT LOVE!!!! Love is light!!! Love is a light that shines brightly and eternally. So is that light shining brightly in you? Have you, or are you, letting someone put your light out? Whether you are married, in relationship, or single, the light of love should be beaming from you.
Now love isn’t about who has the power or control in the relationship. There are plenty of relationships where the lady may have the upper hand when it comes to having control and power, but are they receiving love? Are they giving love? Please don’t make the mistake of mixing power and control with love!!! They don’t mix!!!
In order to receive love you MUST GIVE love. In order to give love you MUST BE love (light). Your love light must shine brightly; it can’t be dim or buried under hurt and pain. It is your responsibility (and yours alone) to make sure your light is shining brightly!!! A ship in the night will not land upon your shore, if their is no light there to welcome it.
After you have powered up or recaptured your love light, now you have to set your sights on a target. This is so important because we must definitively know exactly what it is that we desire. In many sports the object of the game is to always keep your focus and attention on the target. Make it your goal to concentrate your efforts on attaining the relationship that you desire. Many things may come your way to distract you but you must remain vigilant. If your focus is even slightly altered, quickly re-focus your energy back on your target. Your love and unwavering focus on your target can without a doubt get the results you desire. Conversely, if you add a cup full of faith to that recipe, it is utterly impossible for you to fail at achieving your goal.
Faith is having belief for a desired result that has yet been seen. Having Faith that what is unknown will become known is a very powerful act. Faith causes you to search your soul and challenges you thoughts. When conventional wisdoms tell you that the outcome must be this or that, you must rely on faith to go against all that is conventional. When you are told that your mate will cheat, you must rely on your faith that a monogamous mate will be sent to you. When you are told your marriage will not last, you must rely on your faith that it will endure and thrive. When you are told that you will never get married, you must rely on your faith to know that someone special is being prepared for you. It is the combination of there three powerful “states” of being, that will surely lead you to relationship success.
In the last couple of blogs I talked about believing and not doubting and giving thanks even in failure. So it is only fitting that if you apply these two principals, you would feel assured in asking for the relationship you desire and receiving it. This is the juncture where you are ready to ask, knowing what it is you want and having full faith that it will come. Did not this line of thinking work for everything else in your life?
When you wanted that car you just had to possess because it was so “you”. You asked for it in faith, and it was given to you. When you were tired of the work you were doing and wanted a better job\career than the one you had. You asked for additional training (and some of you went back to school) to get the skills you needed to get a better job\career. When you were looking for a place to live and finally found a house you loved. There may have been some obstacles to getting the house, but you did what was needed and you got the house you asked for. By now you may be wondering where I am going with this; and to be honest, it only leads me to a question? If you can ask and then receive the car\job\house you wanted, why is it so hard for some to receive the mate you want?
Well if I had the answers to that question then I guess I would be a Millionaire!!! Well I believe I have one answer so hopefully the Millions are on the way!!!! First of all, it is safe to say that everybody reading this has asked for, and even prayed for, a suitable mate. The Good Book states “ask and it shall be given,” yet we still have not seen or met our mate. Or have we? Could it be that we have somehow missed out on our blessing? But if we asked for a significant other and we were waiting to receive them, then how could we have missed them? Well this is my answer to that question and I am sticking to it.
When we were kids and encountering our first loves, we were wide open to love and full of hope and optimism. Well after a couple of heartbreaks from failed relationships, we began to become jaded and guarded in regards to love. After even more unsavory experiences, we started to lose faith in the fairytale of love. Our child-like belief in love was gone and we started erecting the proverbial “Wall” to shelter us from the hurt and pain of love lost. After we felt we had exhausted all of the ways of finding and keeping love everlasting, we turn to the one source we know can deliver the love that seems so fleeting. Whether through heart-felt emotional prayers or vocal celestial summations, we call out to our source to send that special someone. Now of course our prayers were heard, but here is where the problem begins.
We ask God to send us someone, but before He can get started working, we go back and take it out of God’s hand. We want things to happen in our time, so we become impatient and begin working on it again ourselves. We are sometimes so impatient, we assume the first person we see after we pray is who God sent for us. We must understand God’s time is not our time, and every time we interrupt God’s work we often slow down or stop what God was planning. We all have the ideal plan of who and what our mate will be, but I truly believe that God’s plan is better!!! Believe that and don’t doubt it!!!!!
I believe we all grew up feeling we knew almost exactly what age we were going to get married. We also believed that we knew how our mate would look, where we would live, and how many kids we would have. For some of us, what we expected came true for the most part, but for many others this was just wishful thinking. Furthermore there are large number of people that are still wait and wishing for there soul mate and all of the amenities that goes with them. In my last blog I talked about giving thanks even when faced with a failed relationship, so what would be the next step after giving thanks? I my opinion it would be to believe and don’t doubt!!!
We all know that a failed union leaves you feeling some type of way no matter how it ended. This can often become the breeding ground for doubt and mistrust in finding someone that you can have a life long partnership with. If yet again we are looking at another relationship ending then we start to question if it will ever happen. Are we in a vicious cycle that keeps repeating itself with the different people we enter into a relationship with? The lies, the games, the cheating, the fronting, when will it end? I believe it ends when you say it ends!!!! I know you are saying to yourself “well I want it to end now!!!” But the question is “can you believe that it will end now without any doubt in your mind”? I mean it is easy to say that it will end now, but what happens when you see what appeared to be a wonderful union now heading for divorce? What goes through your mind the next time you meet someone new? Will you have doubt that it will work out? Will you question your readiness or their readiness to have a healthy, harmonious, and lasting relationship?
You have to understand that doubt makes you unstable and double-minded. It causes confusion, misinterpretation, misunderstanding, and allows negative thoughts and actions fester and take shape. The following Bible verse gets right to the point of what doubt does to us.
But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.
One of the biggest reasons that doubt creeps into our mind is because we are oftentimes surrounded by negative images, messages, and people that are feeding our doubt and fears. We will exclaim that we know what we want to happen in our relationship lives, but we often lose our focus when we are faced with counter opposing views and situations. It is extremely hard to stay positive in room full of negative people, especially when we have just gone through a bad experience. Doubting is easy to do, but having faith and believing in something we have yet to see is hard. However this is what we must do, so we have to stay away from negativity of all shapes and forms.
Another step we must take is to fuel our belief by taking to right actions. It is not enough to have belief; we also must put in the work to show that we are serious in our walk. Focusing your mind intently on the relationship you desire without wavering and doing the acts that show you are serious are two major steps in achieving your goal.
Remember: All it takes is one negative person, story, or image to cause thoughts of doubt. You must be ready to dismiss and destroy each negative thought with your strong and unwavering belief!!!!
When something fails it is never a good feeling. It could be something as simple as a plan not working out or someone not coming through for you on a favor. Because we are human, it triggers certain emotions in us when things fail that we wanted to see succeed. Nothing epitomizes this more than the emotions that occur when we have a relationship or a marriage that fails. The toll it can take on us mentally and emotionally can be devastating and can stay with us for quite a while. We can find ourselves carrying the scars of the botched relationship with us into new relationships which can put a strain (at best) on the health and well-being of that union. But sometimes our reactions to a failed relationship or marriage can be toxic to us and everyone involved. Our reactions can be very selfish, vindictive, hurtful, malicious, cruel, tactless, immoral, evil, wicked, sinful, nasty, and even violent. The reason that I am writing this is because I feel like these reactions (and ones like them) are the wrong way to handle the failure of a relationship or marriage.
Yes we will be hurt, disappointed, and upset about the collapse, but this should be the time we should give thanks for its failure. The Bible states “give thanks in all things”, this also includes failure!!! We have to understand that we have no idea what God could be protecting us from by allowing this relationship or marriage to end. God could be trying to protect us from Infidelity, pregnancy, abuse, and maybe even death!!! Often, however, our reaction is to be spiteful. Saying mean and destructive things about the other person and placing the blame on them for everything. In doing so, we are clearly not seeing this as a time to be thankful for what could have resulted in a much more painful relationship in so many ways. I truly believe by reacting like this we are “blocking our blessings” from God. Instead of thanking God for protecting us from harm, we are responding with anger, hostility, and bitterness toward the people we cared for. We must see these failures as tests and lessons that we need to pass in order to get the bigger and better blessings.
Responding negatively to these tests only holds us back from those blessings God wants us so much to have and experience. The true danger is when one starts to let the negative thoughts and feeling of unsuccessful relationships and marriage consume them. They start believing that “this is the way it is” and their faith in “better love” starts to wane and in some case even disappear. They start saying and believing that good “Men” or good “Women” are hard, if not impossible, to find. These feelings and beliefs can easily happen when we are focused on failure!!! Instead we should thank God for the impending success that we faithfully know he is preparing us for. The failures are the preparation, the test, and the lessons!!! But we have to pass the test and learn the lessons in order to get the blessings!!! It is said that most entrepreneurs fail several times before they become a success. They understand that failure doesn’t mean to quit or that they can’t achieve their goal. It just means that they have to work harder, smarter, learn from their mistakes and make better decisions!!!!
Remember: It’s not really about THEM, it’s really not even about YOU; it’s about God’s plan for us!!! When we learn to let go of our plan and let God work his plan; our relationship and marriage lives will be so much more gratifying, abundant, and fulfilling.