Tag Archives: single

Are You Choosing to Stay Single Without Realizing it?

When I was in college, I would absolutely dread family gatherings because I knew at least one of my relatives would ask me, “Who are you dating now?” And I’d have to grit my teeth into a smile and tell … Continue reading

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Should men get married

freeimage-1763564-webI know some people will find this title to be shocking, silly, or even sacrilegious. Some of you are probably saying “why would you even ask a question like that”. Well to be honest, I have never really thought about asking that question. See, like most men from the south, I grew up in the church and believe that every man is to find a wife and start a family. It wasn’t until recently, after watch a couple of Youtube videos on this subject, that I even gave the idea (should men get married) any thought. But after watching the compelling arguments that were made on this topic that I felt I had to do a blog on it. So here goes!!!!

In one of the Youtube videos I watched, Warren Coleman (author of the book titled “why nice guys shouldn’t get married”) stated, “in this point and time, in this society, America is no longer producing wives that respect and appreciate nice guys”. He also stated that “women want to be married, but they don’t want to be wives”. Another video that I watched (based on a book by Dr. Helen Smith titled “Men on Strike”) gave six reasons why men are avoiding marriage. The following is a summary of her six reasons.

  1. They will lose respect – in the past a man wasn’t concerned a true adult until he got married and had children. Today, however, husbands and fathers are the butts of jokes and they are constantly devalued. Ex. Father’s day gifts vs. Mother’s day gifts
  2. They will lose out on sex – Men who cohabitate with their partner but are not married, have much more sex than their wedded counterparts. Recent studies have also found that couples that cohabitate are happier than married couples.
  3. They can lose their children and their money – Men are aware of the danger of divorce, especially when it comes to courts showing favor to mothers. Men only get custody 10% of the time, and overwhelmingly are responsible for paying child support and alimony.
  4. They can lose their space – once a man gets married, he is relegated to the dirtiest part of the house. The attic, basement, or garage often becomes the domain that he is left to dwell in even though the home is supposed to be shared space.
  5. They can lose their freedom – If a man gets divorced and cannot afford to pay child support, he can get locked up.
  6. The single life is better than ever – in the past single men were looked at with suspension, but this is no longer the case. There are plenty of 40 year old bachelors. Employers look favorably at employees with non-committal or non-conflicting family responsibilities. Dating has gotten easier, and pre-marital sex is no longer taboo.

She ends her video by saying, “This is not due to laziness, but due to rational choices where men no longer see the value of participating in these areas. People respond to incentives, so if we want more men to marry, it needs to be a more attractive proposition”.

Now I know that most will find these reasons as copouts, excuses, or flat out garbage. But it is worth exploring and investigating if these reasons and others might be why some men are not getting married. I would love to get your opinion on this topic or for you to ask the question to others for their opinion.

Remember: knowledge is power

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The Games People Play

blacklove shadowOne of the new phenomenon’s that has exploded in the last decade or so in the dating community is online dating. There are several dating websites that boast of having huge pools of delightful candidates to choose from and wonderful success rates in helping people find that special someone. For people who are constantly working or find it hard to go out and find someone special in a room full of people, online dating presents a practical and viable option to the norm. As most people who sign up for these websites are doing so with honest intent to find someone they can have a healthy relationship with. Unfortunately, there are some people who have intentions that are heinous and deceitful in nature. This could be as simple as someone lying on their profile, to someone using these websites to meet people to set up for identity thieft, burglary, and all sorts of diabolical crimes. We have to be mindful that even though our intentions may be good, there will be people that we meet that have intentions that are not the same as ours. In the hood we say people like this are trying to “run game” or “play games “on us. People have told me stories about things they have experienced while dating online and some of the stories have not been good.

One female told me a story about a guy that she met through social circles. They had been seeing each other for several months before he abruptly ended the relationship. She was not dating online but after the break-up her friends encouraged her to try online dating. She signed up for the website and created a profile and started glancing around the website. As she searched the website for suitable mates, she discovered that the guy she had just broken up with was also on the site. She looked at his profile and found that he had been on the site the whole time they were dating and now believes that he may have been partaking in dates with other women while they were dating. She also discovered that a photograph he was using on his profile was actually a picture she took of him at her home. This would not be such a bad thing, but he wrote under the picture “me chillin at my home”. This totally disturbed her because he was trying to pass off to everyone online that the home in the picture and all of its décor was actually his home, which it was not. Because she was not involved in online dating, it was easy for him to have an online profile and date other women without her knowing.

I have also heard numerous stories of men having live-in girlfriends and even being married, but were using online websites to find women to date. There are so many ways online dating sites can be used for manipulation. These include lying about age, financial status, and not sharing past criminal history, (among many other things) to make themselves more appealing to unsuspecting women. Ladies listen!!! You have to really think safety first if you choose to date online. You should really get to know the person before allowing them in your home. Find out if you know people who may know him, so you can gather more information about his character and past history. This is your safety and overall well-being that we are talking about, so even if everything seems straight there can still be crooked motives going on behind the scenes. Remember: All that glitter is not GOLD!!!!

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Stop the Insanity

africanamerican2It has been said that the definition of insanity is “doing the same thing over and over but expecting a different result”. So why is it that so many people persist to keep dating the same kind of people but expect a different outcome? First of all you have to realize that you are dating the type of people who are attracted to you!!! Yes there are things about you that draw them to you and these things may be good or bad depending on your own overall self-image and characteristics. This is the reason that the feelings and thoughts grow stronger with each conversation and face-to-face interaction. You are picking up on each other’s common interests; common likes and dislikes; common desires and goals. It is the same reason you will find yourself so uncomfortable around someone who doesn’t think about and see things in the same light as you. The comfort level is not the same; therefore you are not attracted to this person even though they may be a great person. Now finding things in common is always good and being with someone who you hit it off quickly with is what makes everything flow smoothly, right? Well let’s think about this for a minute.

I started off this article saying the definition of insanity. So if meeting this person is starting off the same way as the others you have met that didn’t work out, then what will make this relationship different? Nothing!!! See, here is the problem!!! Just as I said earlier “there are things about you that draw someone to you and these things can be good or bad depending on your own overall self-image and characteristics”. Well, just as the person is seeing the good things about you, that person will also eventually start to see the bad things about you too. So as all of the previous relationships have gone, eventually, so to will this relationship go. The reason is simple!!! You are the same person, looking for the same things, acting the same way, but hoping for a different result. One of the biggest mistakes that people make, is thinking that if I date someone different from the last person I dated then the results will be different. I am here to tell you that this is so untrue!!!

Even though someone may look and even act differently, they are still drawn to the same things about you that the others were. If things such as your characteristics, thought process, morals, and interests have not changed then typically the results you will get will not change!!! In others words, in order for the results to change, you have to change!!!
When you make changes that shall take you to a new level, then you change the kind of people you attract. If you raise your level, then others have to get on your level or they will have to move on. Consequently, you will now find a difference in the new people who you attract. If you change your level to a more serious, focus, marriage-thinking state of mind, then you will attract a more focus, serious, marriage-thinking person. But it all starts and ends with you!!!! When you change, others have to change around you or they will have to move on. This opens the door for people who are on the new level you are on. Now you see that you never have to try to change anyone to be what you want and need!!! All you have to do is transform yourself and the new you will attract that special someone to you. The rest will be what you both make of it.
Remember: Things change when you change; things stay the same when you stay the same!!!

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Change for the “Better”

loveinblackandwhiteListen up Ladies!!!! The men who you are involved with should positively affect you and make you change yourself for the better. You should always strive to want somebody that is going to make you better!!! That is going to make you a better woman, a better person, a better girlfriend, a better wife, or a better mother. Somebody that you can say “I am better off in life because I know this man and have him in my life”. If you’re not better off with him in your life, and God forbid you’re worse off with him in your life, then you know this person is not good for you. Listen, it is not a situation where you have to put him in a position to make your life better. It is not a situation where you have to make him do this or suggest that or hint this. No!!! This person should want to come in and see where you are and do what he can to help you to become better!!! That’s it, and that’s all it is to it!!!

In order for any positive relationship to really go to the next level, it has to be a situation where that person affects positive change in the life of the person that they are in a relationship with. It has to be!!! But you have to accept and embrace the fact that he is trying to improve your life, and that he is trying to make you better and take you to the next level. You have to embrace it and understand that this person is trying to be a benefit to you. That’s when you will know that you are in a relationship with somebody that’s good; because they want and are fighting to usher positive change into your life.

 Now on the flip side, if he is trying to change you into something that is not good for you, then that is really not where you need to be. The change that is made should be made for the better!!! The changes in the relationship should be for improvement in each individual. This should not be a situation where the relationship is becoming something simple and causal with no serious advancement. NO! It should be a relationship that you both are trying to take to the next level. Where you both are trying to take on challenges and take big steps and make big moves. It’s almost like a person aspiring to have a business. If you want a business, then you not going to sleep 12 hours a day and do simple task. You want the challenge of, “how can I take myself to the next level”? “How can I be a better business person, or, how can I step my game up? In a relationship it should be the same way. How can we make this relationship better? How can we take it to the next level? How can we improve each other’s lives? How can we bring significant things in each other’s lives that are going to help us to be better? If you want to go back to school, then he is going to support you. If he wants to start a business then you are going to support him. That is going to be the allegiance that takes it to the next level.

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Do “opposites” really attract?

 bathi1

 I really don’t wholeheartedly “buy-in” to the opposites attract theory. I like to look at it along the lines of complements attract, and please allow me to explain why. When I hear opposites attract, I tend to think that in these romantic situations everything the man does is pretty much the exact opposite of what the women does. Case and point, if the man loves dining out, then the woman loves to dine in. If the man loves to travel, then the woman loves to stay at home. If the man loves outdoor activities, then the woman would love to attend art shows and stage plays. Now I don’t know about you, but it seems to me that this type of couple will be spending a lot of time away from each other or doing things together that seemingly would not interest the other person at all. Sure you can make the argument that “they can share each other’s interest and grow to like them,” but to me that wouldn’t be opposites– right?  Who says that just because you ask or want a person to do something that he or she has no interest in doing, that the person would even try it. That to me can potentially become a problem in the relationship, constantly trying to decide who gets his or her own “way” and how much “way” they get.

I tend to look at romantic relationships from the viewpoint of complements attract. I like to use the analogy of a jigsaw puzzle. If you have two puzzle pieces in your hand, the pieces may appear to be shaped differently and may even appear to be designed differently, but when you merge the two pieces they make the perfect fit. Even the colors and the design will line up together. Another example would be like wearing a black and white pantsuit that looks really good by itself. Adding an extra accessory or accent piece that is red or even purple may add just the right complement to make the outfit look great without taking away anything that made it look good in the first place.  That complement is something that was not there at first but when added makes it better than before. If someone gives you a “compliment” on the work you’ve done, then that is validation and conformation that the work was not only pleasing to you but was also pleasing to others. Please understand that nobody can validate or complete you!!! You have to be complete within yourself to be truly happy!!! If you are a complete person (not a perfect person– there is a difference), then to find someone who complements you is the validation and conformation that makes the picture complete. If a dress looks great and fits perfectly on you, then the shoes and accessories are the perfect complement to that outfit. If you agree with my assessment, then the goal should be to find someone who complements you instead of someone who opposes you. In doing this, I believe that your relationship would fare a better chance of success.

 

Do you think opposites attract?

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Would “You” recommend you

Would YOU recommend you?

(Who’s watching you, and what are they saying)

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Please always remember that somebody around you is watching and evaluating what you do. If you are doing a great job or a terrible job with life’s situations, the people around you notice and are often not shy about sharing their opinions with others, good or bad!!! Doing a bad job can not only cause you to lose out on the man you want, but it could also allow you to lose out on other potential men in the future because “the word on the street” about you is not a good one. The comments “you would be taking a chance with her” or “she is risky” could be thrown around in reference to you, and who wants that. It’s not the worst thing to say about someone, but it could cause someone who is interested in you to “proceed with caution” or to not proceed at all. Where I come from,  if a woman is said to be “loose” or “promiscuous” then no matter how much you like her or how well you two get along and have fun, you don’t date her seriously if you “date” her at all. Now sometimes it may work out because the person knows what she is and wants to change, but often it ends badly. Most men who are meticulous and focused will not take that chance.

I also understand the mindset of not caring what people think about you. Yes it true that if you cared about what every person thought of you it could hurt your mind state and cause you to not be the person you want to be. But when you know that you are doing right by everyone in your life then you have very few reasons to entertain negative comments

This point also goes back to knowing who you are dealing with, meaning the recommendation (from others) is very important because like I said before, people are always observing you. Based on what they see, the recommendations that they offer could help make or break you in certain situations. It is as simple as that!!! Of course, everyone is going try to send people to those who they know will say something good about them, but oftentimes, you don’t get a say-so in the matter. It will always behoove you to make sure that you leave a favorable impression on everyone whom you are around. By taking this approach in life, when people do ask for a recommendation, they are only going to receive glowing remarks about you, no matter whom they ask.

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Are you “Move-in” ready?

bacouple_01132010.jpgMost of us at some time in our lives to this point have had to move into an unfamiliar dwelling. Whether it was your college dorm room, your first apartment, or just moving with your parents to a new home, we have all had to “move-in” to a new location. Now in most of these instances we have been able to move into a place that was “ready” for us to move our belongings in and begin the process of making this new space our own. It was often clean and neat with freshly painted walls and nice looking carpet (or tile) on the floor. Now some of us have not always found our new living quarters to be in the most desirable shape. We may have had to do quite a bit of work to the space before it would be ready to occupy. And in some instances we have seen places that were not fit for anyone to move into. So in this article I would like for you to take this analogy and apply it to yourself as it relates to a relationship and ask the simple question “are you move-in ready?” The first question that comes from this is what condition is your house (personal life) in? Is it mess!!! With your emotions all over the place for one (or more than one) person like a Tornado has ripped through it? Or are you emotional clean and “refinished”; thus getting rid of the baggage, dirt, pain, and hurt and replacing it with brand new amenities and fixtures (“fix”-tures) throughout? The most important point you must remember is in order for “your house” to be move in ready, it must be unoccupied!!! It is very difficult, if not impossible, to move your things in when there are already someone else’s belongings there. All too often we try moving into a space where the current occupant has not fully vacated!!! In other instances we are ready to move someone new into our space when we have not fully moved the old person out yet!!! Now understand that moving someone out can be a deceiving thing too. You may have moved the old tenants belonging out, but did you remember to change the locks so that they can’t get back in? In a relationship, that means you have to change your thinking and your emotions for that person!!! Basically saying “not only do I want the old person out; I want to make sure that they are not able to come back in”. All too often people fall into the state of “partial occupation”. This is where someone comes along as the new occupant and starts to move in and get comfortable only to find that the old occupant still is trying to, and can possibly, move back in!!! If any of these examples are (or have been) the state of your (relationships) property then you must get your business in order.

Another big issue is when (you) the owner had (or currently have) a tenant that left the property (relationship) in a horrible mess!!!  It is SO easy to place the blame and fault on the tenant (and maybe they are solely to blame), but that will not help you or your property get repaired. It doesn’t matter if your property was damaged or even destroyed by the last tenant; it is your responsibility to make sure that this property is back to the original condition that it was in before you put the property back on the market. Not too many people want the headaches of dealing with a damaged or destroyed property!!! So if you want a new tenant to move in, then it’s up to you to get the property looking so good again that nobody would have ever known that it was ever damaged!!!

 

Are you "Move-In" ready

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Three things that are big turn-offs for men

midnightsnack2-1There are many things that a man will desire from a woman while they are dating or in a relationship. Because these vary from man-to-man, there is no way I could possibly cover them all, but there are a few things that I feel we as men have in common when it comes to what we find undesirable in the opposite sex. In this piece I plan to share three things that I feel most, if not all, men would agree would be huge turn-offs when it comes to what they desire from their mate.

 The three things we don’t want are:

 1.      Someone who is selfish (unsupportive)

Selfishness can come in many different forms, from someone who only thinks of herself and her needs over that of her mate, to someone who feels that everything revolves around her. I can go on and on about the many ways someone can be selfish toward another, but for the sake of this piece I will focus on lack of support from that special someone. I really don’t have to express how important support is. We as humans rely on it from family, friends, co-workers, etc., in so many ways. The help and guidance we get on sometimes a daily basis helps us get through life’s obstacles and challenges. Just imagine wanting and needing support from someone you love and care about and not receiving it. I know right now you are thinking about someone that you are/were close to who was unsupportive when you needed it. Remember how it felt? You still may be feeling the sting from it now, so would you want the person that you are in a relationship with to feel that way about you? The next time you are with someone you care about and he or she needs your support just remember what it felt like when you didn’t receive it when you needed it.  

 2.      Someone who is not looking to improve herself (strengthen her weaknesses)

I once had a friend who said this about men and dating… “If he can’t accept me as I am, flaws and all, then I don’t need him.”  Now I know that nobody is perfect, and we all have flaws, but few things beat a woman who continues to work and improve where she has weaknesses. That’s why so many men love women that go to the gym and stay fit. This says to the man that “she cares.” Now this is not to say that just because you don’t go to the gym you don’t care about yourself. There are many ways other than going to the gym to show that you care about yourself, but the bigger point is that you are striving to improve the areas where you are weak. By doing this, you are creating a better you, and we know everybody likes better.

 3.      Someone who is superficial (in what they want and what they have to offer)

Look, we all know that there must be some physical attraction at some level for two people to want to be with each other, but that can’t be what it’s all about. Let’s face it…MEN LOVE BEAUTIFUL WOMEN!! That will never change, but as a woman there has to be more to you than what is on the surface. If a woman is depending on her looks to get a GOOD MAN without having the substance to keep him, then she is making a hard bed to lie in. A man is going to need someone to push him to be a better man, and that’s hard to do when you are only scratching the surface of your own potential. You have to strive to be a complete woman–Body, Mind and Spirit!! That is what a good man wants and needs in his life. If you can find yourself in any of the three points that are listed above, then it’s time to get to work making improvements. Trust me; the man in your life will appreciate the improvements you are making. Just my opinion!! What’s yours?

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